Resolution Check Up

Yeah yeah I know I haven't posted the last day of my oregon trip yet but I'm angry and I'm drunk so I'm currently DRANGRY!!
Let's see how this post goes.

How you doing world!? 

I just thought I'd check in on you and your resolutions because you know, and if you didn't know! 

IT'S FEBRUARY 1ST TODAY!

Yes that means you're going into the second month of the new year and your resolution I hope is still going strong.

But you know pessimistic me.

I'm pretty darn doubtful that you're still on that bandwagon.

Look at me.

This morning I found out I've lost 20 pounds in 2 months

and now I'm fucking wasted on my living room floor writing this post.

(alcohol is chockerblock full of calories if yall weren't aware and were still trying to lose weight)

Yes I have a glass now and then but nothing like this. but I think I deserve this.

My rage is just soooo prominent it couldn't be denied.

I might even order food still.

Why not. It's not even 7 

THE NIGHT IS YOUNG!

But this post isn't about me. 

It's about you.

Your resolutions.

How you doing?
(And keep in mind I think resolutions are just setting yourself up for failure)

It's interesting how I can tell people are failing their resolutions.

January 4th. I was walking myself up to Royal Oak for the weekly sunday mosey that's about 40 minutes point A to B and then I have to go back. Bleh.

But on this January 4th (I'm not actually sure that was the day) It was a Sunday

A giant mob of neon colored runners went by me! 

Yeeeeess I thought to myself. There are all those resolutioners. Off to a good start on their goals to lose weight.

I nodded stepped aside and allowed them all to flock pass. It was quite a sight.

The next week. 

About half the number I came across. (20)  

And I thought hmmmm. maybe they run different routes every sunday. who knows

don't be so negative of other humans! at least they're trying.

BUT

as January dragged on. the number of people I encounter out walking twindle and twindle.

February 1st and we're pretty much back to the normal amount of runners as there was in Novemeber.

Now and then I see a new face and I'm like Koodos resolutioner! You got this.

But to the rest of yall that have decided to watch The Biggest Loser at home on the couch and feel better about yourselves by thinking man I'm so much better than those fattasses. 

I hope you walk by a mirror real soon and see for yourself the failure you've inflicted.

At least they're trying. 

Though in some totally insane weightloss competition which I don't believe is healthy at all.

I mean I'd love to lose 10 pounds every week but I know that an average of 2 is something to be proud of!

TAKE THE SMALL VICTORIES!!!!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Put down that cheesecake! Throw out that fondue! AND GET ON UP GET ON UP!!! (AVPS if you don't know what I'm talking about)

Also something that has really helped me is just walking with music.

I'm a very emotional person. 

I'm full of thoughts.

And sometimes it's really hard to keep yourself in line.

Go for a walk. Think it out. Breathe the fresh air.

Listen to Fall Out Boy! Seriously.

You'll feel great.

So if you've given up already.

I hope you can find the strength to keep going.

Next time you're walking up a hill instead of thinking about this steep incline in front of you.

Think about that cow at work you're always covering for. Curb stomp her with every step up that hill!

YOU GOT THIS!!!

 

Peace and Love

The Sassafrass

Avian Bird Flu: Day Three on the Oregon Trail

Shagwood Rose

The name of a seniors home on the way to Newport...It could be taken dirty!

Also just to touch on before we move on up to Portland.
If you haven't heard, like I hadn't on our way down.
The Avian Flu is moseying about America again.
However that should really only affect chickens right?
Well man did we ever see a lot of dead birds along the coast!
Even the day we left Newport I came across a dead seagull on the boardwalk as I was walking.
Even worse it had definitely been picked at!
And you know what that means!

ZOMBIE GULLS!

but none of us appear to have been effected as of yet

So on the third day of our adventure we left the glorious seaside of Newport

And headed inward and upward towards PORTLAND!!

It's very strange the transition from the homes of artists and meth zombies back into the big box commercialized world. 

Happens somewhere close to Salem.

That's also when the fog pulls back and it's like 

GASP!

CIVILIZATION!

On our way to Portland we stopped at, possibly the only outlet mall in Oregon (which is so weird but perhaps strategic for a state with no taxes on their shopping)

THE WOODBURN PREMIUM OUTLET MALLS!!

Oh it was glorious! 

We bought sooooo much!!

As Canadians do at outlet malls in America.

Also there was definitely a large focus on active wear!

Compression pants

Running shoes!

There came a moment (and if you know my rollypolly self) where I was like omg....I'm gunna be one of those people who only wear active clothes and work clothes.

But quickly was like meh I will be STYLING! 

And my booty will be gorgeous in my new pants!!

So car fully stocked we carried on

To the Hospitality Inn....

Such a questionable place

I mean it could have just been the one in Portland but dammmmmmmn questionable.

It should have been a sign when we parked beside a car with a bunch of anti-Obama stickers that we didn't quite belong here.

But we got Anita to check us in because she's the most efficient and good at dealing with people/rednecks

AND THEN WE WENT TO SOCK DREAMS!

THE MOST AWESOME SOCK SELLING PLACE A PERSON COULD WISH FOR!!!!!

We did admittedly get a little bit lost on the way there. 

But once there oh the socks that were purchased!

Mostly knee high because they're so good!!

Then we soberly tottelled over to a place called Vine Gogh

A magical studio where you paint along with a teacher

Like Bob Ross Paint Along videos but with a real live person!

It's so wonderful

And you can drink wine or beer and they have little snacks

I had tea so I could drive

But it was a wonderful time and our paintings turned out so well.

Though mine went backwards in the seasons cause I wanted to show off my sunset...which you can hardly see but meh.

Even if Sherona thought differently of hers.

Meth Zombies: Day Two on the Oregon Trail

"We are mildly decent human beings and that's polite in America"

I can't remember if it was Anita or Sherona who said that but it was a pretty accurate representation of us traveling through Oregon.

On the second day of our trip along the Oregon trail, nicely settled in our hotel room in Newport we naturally decided to leave Newport and go other places as tourists do.
I kind of felt like that part of the Arrogant Worms "Mountie Song"  where the Americans are listing all the major cities in Canada they plan to visit that day.
We were like
We wanna go to Tillamook! And Manzinita! And Lincoln City! Maybe Florence this afternoon if and we got time!
We wanna buy some cheese!
We're gunna taste the wine!
We're gunna walk barefoot on the sandy beaches in January!!

And we did most all of that except get to Florence.

We started the morning off with a trip to Fred Myers because soooooomebody forgot deodorant! (Anita)
So there we were frolicking through the store and we come across THE GUN SECTION!
Just like a giant display case of all the different types of guns and ammo you could purchase.
Purple and pink hand guns.
Rifles in camouflage (again purple and pink camo for the lady hunters)
Completely unmanned. and true maybe we can trust the early morning shoppers of Fred Myers not to be crazy and trigger happy before 10am
But seeing that certainly makes a liberal Canadian uneasy.
Not to mention the grand display was located between the children's bikes.
Excellent placement!
Teach your kid how to ride and hunt on the same day. (That's a sport isn't it? Maybe on horses instead of bikes? Some sort of biathlon)

So we moseyed on out of there and back up the coast to Lincoln City for a spot of Breakfast. Pig N Pancake.
You see them all over oregon. And there was one in Newport but the gps in the car is very very special and can't always be trusted to find things.
It was suprisingly super delicious and we were very pleased.

Full of eggs and hashbrowns we trucked on. Up to tillamook!
But before the big cheese stop we took a second to stop in at the Blue Heron. (mostly because it said wine tasting)
And taste wine we did!!
There were so many glorious choices!
Sweet wines, meads, regular wines! We tried it all!

I settled on the Toasted Cow. It's super sweet white wine but tastes like juice it was so good!! I should have bought two bottles!
My cohorts got some honeymead as well as the cow wine (and drank both their bottles that very night)

The guy in charge of the wine tasting station was awesome!  He reminded me a lot of Hannibal in terms of looks (which is not an insult, he could be quite dashing) I have no idea what his name was but he informed us quite a bit about the residents of the Oregon coast.
Driving along it's a lot of one level houses. like the ones you see for sale on the side of the I-5 in Washington and you kind of just wonder, who would ever buy one of those things. Well tons of people in Oregon do!
Their also hella spread out with acres of land between houses but not nearly enough cows, or chickens, or crops to possibly be making a living off of their farms. It's all very confusing as to how these people could possibly make a living.
We settled that it's all just inherited.
Wine tasting man explained these strange people to us however.

It appears on the Oregon coast there's a very strange cross over of the cultured and the hermits. There's lots of retirees and artists that move out from portland to the coast after several years to settle down into peaceful lives.
There's also the people just living there for the tourism.
There's a couple farmer's doing their own thing here and there.
And then there's the Meth Zombies!

How intriguing!
These are the hillbillies of the Oregon coast, not much to do, no aspirations. Just doing meth all day everyday and shooting their homemade semi-automatic guns.
Hannibal was telling us about how he had some friends over in the summer and he was showing them his apple orchard (of course he was so hipster he had an apple orchard) when there was a huge commotion of hooting and hollering and guns going off.
His friends all hit the deck!
But he was like "Nah, don't worry it's just the meth zombies."

He also told us about stopping in a back country gas station and meeting a man he called "Boris" (because he was this big russian guy with a crazy moustache) who had a huge selection of knives all nicely polished and laid out in the store.
Hannibal was like "wow cool" and Boris was like meh.
But then Hannibal looked behind Boris and there was just a whack ton of guns just piled haphazardly all over the place behind him.
Hannibal was like oh shit just gunna pay for my gas and go!

Hannibal was a great find in Tillamook, along with the cheese of course.

So we continued up to Manzanita and walked on the beaches which are so nice and sandy. (Anita took off her shoes, I opted to avoid contracting the Avian bird flu)
And we headed back to Newport for a dinner at Mo's
Which is famous if you didn't know and has probably the best clam chowder on the west coast at least!

Though the saw for my shrimp tried to kill me.

It was a lovely evening

"HWY 47" Day One on the Oregon Trail

Well well readers.
It appears a tradition has been started amongst Anita and I.

THE ANNUAL OREGON EXCURSION!

And this year we brought along Sherona for the ride cause little miss had never been to Oregon and it was about time she encountered the middle bit of the American West coast.

Now we've all got our own ideas of how road trips should go.

Personally I like to get up at a reasonable hour when the human brain is functioning and trustworthy to drive. Around 7 or 8 am. Stop for breakfast. put on some tunes and drive.
But not these two goofs I was travelling with. OH NO!

According to them we gotta be ACROSS the border by 7am. (the border is about 30mins from my house)
Why?
I don't know. Maybe they thought the border on a monday morning would be a hella crazy to do to get across! I don't know!
But there I was up at 5:30 in the morning.
Shambling through the house like a zombie to get ready for my comrades arrival.
They arrived about 6:30. By that time my mother was even up for work.

But eventually the arrived and they were quite lively to be up so early and driving in such foggy darkness.
We stopped at Tim Hortons on the way to the border to take a cup of Canada with us.
We also learned pulling up to that Tim's that Anita may have a drive through problem.
As in can not pull through properly and ends up like 3 ft away from the pick up window.
I tell yeah it makes it very difficult for everyone to do their jobs when they're half way out the take out window trying to give three foolish girls their morning coffee.

So after that little set back with the drive through, we continued onto the border. Arriving at approx. 7:40 (That's 40 mins late for all of you keeping a time line of events here)

The wait time at the border was maybe 5 minutes.
1 line.
But wouldn't you know it there were some damn stupid people trying to zoom ahead and budge in.
Yeah I'm talking to you you grumpy old farts in the red car. At least the youth before you figured it out and reversed back to the end (which was only like 4 cars back)
But these buggers. Sat.
Waiting for people to let them in.
And we weren't like mid line.
We were last speed bump before the yellow sticks start to divy up the lanes.
We were basically there!!
So everyone, car by car was just like lols no.
As we pulled up next beside them the husband was hand motioning like give and take and how merge works but Anita just shook her head and we all glared at him and then promptly ignored them.
They eventually gave up and reversed their pigheaded selves to the back of the line which was now probably another 10 minutes they'd have to wait for being stupid!

We entered America.

Originally I was going to name this Blog post A Very Taylor Swift Road Trip because we were listening to the 1989 album and we very well could have listened to it the whooooole trip.
But then we took a turn onto "HWY 47"

Now I use quotations around this because anyone trying to pass this logging road off as a highway is out of their fucking minds and needs to get out of their house and take a dally on down the mountain to civilization.

This was a logging road! On the side of a mountain!!
On both sides of the road were steep cliffs.
The corners (which was all this road was made up of)
Were all 90 degrees angled corners and Anita was taking them at 90km/hr (60m/hr for you americans out there)
It honestly felt like I was in a game of Mario Kart going around those sharp turns and holding down the skid button.
Poor Sherona was in the back seat and she apparently gets car sickness. We didn't know this until this little off roading jaunt.
And when other cars started to come towards us! GOOD GOD!
We could have died America!
Straighten yourselves out!
And your roads.
And just so you know which road you should be fixing. If you've never actually heard of Hwy 47 and that was just a sign some hillbilly put up at the foot of the mountain. This road takes you to Mist Mountain!!
In Oregon.
Find it.
Fix it!



















As we cleared the peak of Mist Mountain Sherona said "I like Canadian Mountains better"
Anita Responded "Why there's farther to fall!"
But I think she meant the Canadians ability to tunnel through mountains.

Eventually we reached Cannon Beach and all was well and peaceful.
Yarn was purchased and I drove the dark winding road into Tillamook only encountering one possibly very drunk driver in a truck. But I passed them and so if they died, we'll never know.
We made it safe and sound to our Newport hotel and conked right out in preparation for day two.

New Year New Me?

Honestly, and I don't want you to think I'm entering 2015 in a negative funk (much different then a positive funk that can make you feel like that new Bruno Mars song)

Totally positive here on the brink of a new year.

I just think this New Year New Me thing is stupid. 

Every day is a new day.

Every day is a chance to be a new you.

There's no reason you should have to wait for the 1st of January to start doing something with your life.

That's why I don't make New Years resolutions. 

If you really want to disappoint yourself. Go ahead make a resolution. 

You wanna lose weight? 

Well you haven't started yet, why is that?

Oh there were just so many good things to eat September through December.

Well I'm not disagreeing.

September is the start of pumpkin season. 

My favorite season.

Pumpkin Pie. Pumpkin Cheese Cake. Pumpkin tarts (small pies so we feel better about eating 5 of them) Pumpkin scones. Pumpkin Muffins and of course PSL! Pumpkin Spice Lattes!!

Yes it's hard to ignore such a delicious treat that only seems to come once a year.

And then October well.

If you're Canadian! Thanksgiving!

And on sale Halloween Candy.

And then November hits!

EGG NOG delicious beverage that only comes once a year!

If you're American. Thanksgiving! (Imagine if you're an american in Canada. You get two thanksgivings!) 

And then December

Christmas Hanukkah Chrismukkah for those OC die hards!!

Yeah there's a lot of food in there but you can still have it all in portions and continue to work out of whatever active people do. 

New Years?! Well yes that's a lot of alcohol to embibe! But as long as it's not an every day every week kind of life. A little alcohol here and there won't hurt you.

So basically fall through winter you've gone into hibernation cause you've decided not to fight the food battle. 

So you resolute.
New Year New You

but how long will that last? 

Until next fall maybe if you're lucky!

You wanna lose weight start when you think "hmmm I should lose weight."

You wanna go on a trip to a warm place but are short on cash? 

Get a savings account connected to when your paycheques come in so you don't even have to think about putting the money aside it does it for you.

So I guess what I'm saying is stop procrastinating.

You want a New You? 

Go out and make it happen!

Without the pressure of the New Years Resolution guilt constantly around your neck

Rudolph The Red Nosed Range Rover

If you know me.
Or should I say.
If you know me around Christmas the thing that annoys me the most! Is when people put those stupid antlers and red tufts on their cars! Your car is not a reindeer! It is not rudolph! It is not cute!!
I can't remember when this started happening. Early 2000s perhaps but at the same time. WHY?! did it happen.
What about a reindeer car appeals to people?
Have their brains been rattled?

I think the worst thing I've seen so far this year is a blue honda with antlers and a nose....but then it also had eye lashes.
EYE LASHES!
Which means year round this person has eye lashes on their car to? What? Humanize it?
That's weird.
But then they took an extra step just for christmas and turned their car into a she- reindeer (i'm saying she because I feel like if they wanted their car to be manly they would have stuck a beard or thick eyebrows on it.)
(and yes I'd still judge them for that too)

But has anyone thought about what this could open the car decorating game up to.

Bunny cars for easter!
Change that red tuft for a white one and put it on the trunk. ears instead of antlers!

Cars night out on the town!
You've already got the eye lashes. Put some lips on the bumper.
Hang some dangly earrings from the side mirrors or better yet. BEDAZZLED SIDE MIRROR STICKERS! Make em look like diamonds!

Thanksgiving?
Put a pilgrim hat on the roof! Turkey feathers on the trunk!

Why not!?
If you're going to be ridiculous for one holiday you might as well be ridiculous for all of them.
I'll just be over here.
Judging you.

Run Away Buggy

Oh so I haven't posted in 3 months. 

Give me a break I've been super busy. Mostly cause I'm incredibly stupid and thought one busy job wasn't enough and should take on a second job front of housing a Shakespeare festival to stay connected with my theatreness as I'm swamped with the stupidity of tourists and coworkers...well most of my coworkers (I don't know why but I'm about to nickname my coworkers beat related things...except for Michael because he is a douche bag and will one day get a huge rant post about him) Smokey is very sweet and Mama Bear is my favorite cause she doesn't take shit and will ream you out for being an asshole and you probably deserve it so stop your bitching. 

Anyways I've been really busy since basically June with the graduating university and my darling gnomes perfect wedding and the Phoenix drama u shouldn't even be privy to anymore but somehow am. But this. 

And if I could draw you a picture I would. 

Deserved recognition. 

So the other day I was in transition to my next job after several hours of housekeeping and the bus I was on was travelling up Douglas, probably one of the busiest streets in Victoria. And the bus is slowing down to stop and the light had juuuust turned green for us when this horse and carriage goes careening across Douglas, running a red light. 

This 

I must admit is something I never expected to see

Mostly because it's 2014, the horse and carriage as a form of personal transport isn't common in canada unless it's Amish territory, and I'm not at a stampede. 

But alas. There before my eyes was a runaway carriage.

And it was comical because the lady carriage driver was standing on the front of the carriage like a jockey whipping the reigns like she had expected to make the yellow.

And the two tourists in the back were clutching theirs hats to their heads and holding onto the sides of the carriage for dear life and the woman was quite rightly screaming!

It was funny to see I wish u could draw it for you. 

Now carriage rides are a totally normal tourist attraction in Victoria. Rain or shine at least 30 go by my inn any given day but I thought they had very set routes that didn't cross Douglas because there's so much traffic there. I could be totally wrong to think that but it would make sense since they are (except on this occasion) very large slow moving things. 

I could be wrong they may cross Douglas all the time. 

Nevertheless. 

I don't think that driver was getting tipped. 

Unless she lucked out and got the wild tourists.