The Last Piece of Cheese Cake

I just dropped my last piece of cheese cake.
No that's not a metaphor
It legit just happened
But as it was happening on this day which has been the release of 3 weeks of awful I thought to myself....how fucking cliche are you you stupid piece of cake!
For the last 3 weeks, since basically the day I got back I have been enraged.
By my people in the Phoenix, by my school work, by my friends.
Not to toot my own horn but I do a shit ton of shit for that god damn apartment and just once in a while I would like a thank you and a well done not a
why are you so upset?
Can you do this on top of all that
I saw those messages you sent out asking me to do my job but I ignored them and pissed around over here for a while.

People wonder why I drink so much!? It's cause of the fucking incompetency! The blatant rudeness of my peers! The sheer inconsiderateness of the people whom I am supposed to trust and call friends!
Which leads to me trusting no one. When I can't even trust you to make a simple facebook post, there is a serious problem. It's not hard. You're already on facebook all the time!!

What I need is to get out of the phoenix once in a while, but i have no time to get out of the Phoenix because there's all this god damn stuff that needs to get done IN the Phoenix or with Phoenix people!!!

So yeah, i've been angry for 3 weeks. I've been called ridiculous and ignored by my teachers. I've had outrageous expectations put upon me by my peers and yes some of the things I did ask to do! Those are the things I want to do. I don't want to be signed up for things involuntarily just thrown about willy nilly. I have a freaking analysis to write that I have hardly started.
The past 2 weekends I have just gotten shit face drunk because I don't want to deal with things. It's not healthy I know this but I don't see things getting easier so I don't stop.

And alllllllllll of this accumulated, all of this anger and frustration and axiety until last night Aurora and I got drunk and watched Tangled on a sunday night. We both had classes this morning. We knew it but we drank anyways and had perogies and things seemed to be alright. I went to directing and my teacher wasn't a flaming ball of douche and I thought how refreshing. I went to musical history and we watched Al Jolson in blackface and though everyone was a little awkward because I'm the only black kid in the room I was like eh it's fine, he's pretty believable I'm not offended don't be offended and we all got over it.
Then we waited and we sat through the break and we went to Singing for the Stage where once again Josh was just the epitome of rude to me and to the theatre students and I thought for fucks sake. This kid is fucking insane and disruptive like he will get up in the middle of the class and walk off somewhere!! Usually when one of us is talking.
And then I've got this first year who's like he doesn't really hate all of us and I'm like fuck you child. If he hates the fourth years he hates you it doesn't matter if you get private singing lessons with the teacher or not.
And then my teacher was handing back our essays which I knew mine was rude. He told us to write it in "our" style. Had it been write an essay it would have been formal and acceptable but he said my style so I wrote how I think. Which doesn't come off well on paper and I knew it but I didn't give a single fuck because why would I want to research this person for a class that is causing me strife after I've been told I'm ridiculous and know nothing by a teacher I once respected.
So an hour of tears and anger and yelling about Josh which as far as I'm concerned is just my teacher refusing to take control of the situation. We're "adults" we should be able to handle things. But what is an "adult"? No one ever changes. 4 years of university and working in jobs. There's always gossip, bitching, someones always not going to get along and they may not act like an "adult"! It's just a fact of life.
I don't know if anything got fixed in that but I didn't go to smutco. I let them figure it out.
I cried, I felt better, I think I left my teacher enormously confused and then I went to a lovely dinner with my comfort family.
Monday night,
Comfort food,
Good people

And things seemed pretty good. I looked at everything that had happened today and leading up to it and just thought
fuck it.
What can I do.

So today as I was choosing to eat the last piece of this cheese cake over opening a bottle of wine and I don't know I guess I turned to fast trying to balance the plastic tray.
Then of course I tried to hit it as it was falling to the floor
I just thought.
Yup,
This is fucking life.
You can't eat an entire cheese cake without having a couple bumps and tumbles along the way.
Sometimes it sucks and you can't stop it from splattering all over the ground
But you have the choice to give up and leave it there or scrape it back onto the plate and finish what you started.
And I'm just fat enough to choose scraping it back onto the plate and continue on eating it, dirt and all.

The Filing Cabinet of Dangerous Monsters (rated R depending on how intoxicated I am)

You know when life is so bad any little thing can set your spirits soaring?
That's me right now.
2 hours ago when i was going to start this post I was super pissed off.  In that time I watched For A Good Time Call-, ate cake and am really drunk on possibly the worst wine ever and it's not getting better!!

But let me explain to you the anger within me.

You look at me and ou see perhaps a normal 21 year old girl who is not quite black not quite white but boardering on potentially asian looking.
Now squint your eyes and turn that girl into an oddly coloured filing cabinet with 8 drawers all tightly and carefully locked up. But within those drawers are the most dreadful terrible things you can imagine.
firey mountain lions with sharp razzor  red hot metal claws. gnashing teeth, dragons and evil mermaids that shoot poinsonous spit and what not! Yes each drawer has a different monster dreadful to behold!! And they're all trying to get out.
These are the 8 most prominent current issues in my life that are causing me strife and I try very hard to keep them locked away for were they to be unleashed all those in the immediate area would be destroyed!!!!
We must keep the drawers closed so that the beasts may have time to cool and simmer and maybe when they have come to grips and i have come to terms with the iassues at hand then I shall look back on them and move tohme  to a different filing cabinet....my brain is like occulemency. ah yes this is just one giant harry potter post!! nooooo I'm just drunk.
have you ever just leaned back in your chair alike gotten into a real comfortable position and closed your eyes and then just typed that's what i'm doing ght now. probslg gunna have to go back and spell chekc this cause I know a lot of what I'm typing is wrong but maybe I WON'T! maybe I'll leave it. Cecilly! Reala! Raw! UNCHAINED!!! lols like I coul d be in a cage match.
But ok ok back on topic.
I don't want to be angry no no no not a lall. People simply enrage me on puropse to see how I'l handle things!! Like I'm in fourth year now excuse you and I just really want to graduate without killing someone and then Aurora and I can move into her apartment together and we'll be happy and start a sex line and make shit tons of money like in For A Good Time Call! Yes it is us!!! not really neither of us are like the girls in it but i tcould be great and we would have pink phones and be super cute!!!
do like random pictures and memes ever flash up on your eyelids. I't slike my eyeslids are the ceiling for the arena in hunger games and the pictures are the falledn tributes!!!
Defs gunna need to edit in the ....sometime.

Oke but yes anger. So I'm angry.
I'm angry about school because it's full of stupid people/ that's legit right?! people who are just so stuck on themselves I can't be bothered!

I'm angry at directing cause I don't like any of the plays or feel there needs to be something better about this scene than the last bug t t he last one was bascically perfection n minus stella being a stupid bitcha and ruinining thnhings and then not apologizing. Like no it's not petty. stella must be about fifty and the fact that she knows ths'e sin the wrong has said she should apologize to me serveral times but still hasn't si just pathetic....of course she may be scared of me. several people are but if you don't make me angry there's no reason to be scared! ararwrawar. And thgen peters  iouor teacher called me ridiculous for not liking any of the plays because i'm only 32 snf not edcuated on theatre yet like at all which you know he partly has a point but you can't tell me what I can cannd can't like! I can not like things because were supposed to be doing realism and i don't fing the conversations taking place in these plays realistic!! that's a ligit claim.......there are finger prints on my roof. I hthink they've been there since before I moed in three years ago but I'm never sure and I'm not tall enough to touch the ceiling so i'll never know where they came from unless it was alfred but i don't it.

I'm angry naucsios about the smutlcal theatre goroup i run because we go up in 2 weeks and I'm worried were just not going to tget it together like I bleived but it's always there in the back of my mind like what iff........

I'm mad that there are theses little black bugs that showed up out of no where! in my house! I don't know what they are! They're not flies they're not fruit flies!
It's not like an infestation though. It's like one shows up every 3 days and I ckill it right away because it's not smart enough to run.....I think like they may have comefrom the box of clay i brought home but I just down't know!!

One of the cabinets is something I'm not actually angry at SHOCKING! . Remember that post back back back that was like hmmm i have an obcessions! well that obsession is still going and though it brings me great joy to think about it also causes me a lot of strife and I'm definitely going crayz because of it and I'm not talking to myself at hom enot just to the ffurit in the grocery store. that's an issue.  and all my friends are like OMG CCECILLY WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT oYOUR OBESESSION!!! You'ere a 21 YEEAR OLD WOMAN!!! GET OFER IT BUT I"M LIKE NO I ICACAN NOT!!!!!!!! so it makes me happy, drives me crazy, and at the same time causes  everyone else to hate me... that's coolt hough cause people also fall into peolpe I hate

...i shan't talk about the other cabinets they're the most lethal! keep the fiery poison things in the drawers yes.

But the more you know eh!
This is why I drink so much, this is why I'll never be a normal person, this is why i'll probably die by 25.
so Yeah and basically just fuck off

Kim's Nightmare

Sooooo as some of you know I'm going to be an asian whore in the upcoming production of Miss Saigon in Victoria (It opens this week)
And you may have read all the way back to when I was taking pole dance lessons and all I wanted was to be a call girl.
For reals, being a whore is my calling next to singing and acting.
So when I got in Miss Saigon I was ecstatic! I mean there's only 1 and a half actual asians in the show and I'm black but I figured I look more asian than all the white people. So yes stoked! I was going to be a whore!
But every step of the way to my whoredom has been a struggle. Yes I get to be a whore but I am the most reserved nunish looking whore you've ever seen.
See we have this costume designer.
He makes great show girl pieces.
Fine.
But man does he have a hate on for fat girls.
There's me, another girl (who has slimmed down significantly during this run) and an old lady and we're all in traditional, pretty sure they're chinese, dresses for this bar scene.
Do I feel like a whore?
No.
All he did to make it more whorish was raise the skirt....so when I lift my arms above my head the whole dress goes up and my bottom is definitely exposed. Don't worry, I'm wearing underwear on top of my tights.
So yeah. Naturally we feel like shit as every other girl in the scene is walking around in bras, panties, lingerie, bathing suits. Completely exposed!
And they complain about it!
They complain about being uncomfortable.
They complain about the me being creepy and gross. (Some of them are but the rest are acting that's why we're here)
Of course, I'm the only girl in the show with actual pole dance experience but instead of getting up and working the pole I'm made into a vendor.
A vendor with a very ill fitting shirt.
And during The American Dream, while everyone is either in show girl 2 pieces or form fitting dresses this man took a sheet of fabric. cut a whole in the middle and glued some stars on it!
I am wearing a drape, literally.

It really sucks you know, when you give up a lot of your time and put a ton of hard work into something only to be treated like shit and given low self esteem.
Naturally the costume guy has not yet insulted me directly as I would tear him a new one. But some of the things he's said to the other girl are just unacceptable.
If I could I would just switch out his dresses for lingerie of my own, he probably wouldn't even notice since he doesn't focus on us. But I'm not going to bother. We're almost to opening.
There's no point in getting worked up now.
On the other hand, I'm getting my hair dyed black so I don't have to wear a wig....
The joys of theater continue.

Tintin Has My Number!?

What up readers!
I know I already posted that random post of all things of the week this morning but then something happened on my way to school and I just must share it. Mostly because, she's probably going to hate this name, Pamela thinks Tintin having my number is hilarious...
So here's how it happened!!

I was walking to school as per usual on a Friday when I should not be going to school as I have no classes to attend. When I walk to the Phoenix I get off at the stop just outside of the Ring so I can cut through Finnerty Gardens which is right across from the Phoenix.
So there I was walking to the Phoenix and, duh, singing which I always do! This morning I chose to sing all 5 parts of "I Turned the Corner" from Thoroughly Modern Millie...quite a feat when you are one person. Just means I get to choose which note I hit on the end chord...and I'm not a soprano which becomes more and more obvious as I spend more and more time out of choir. (one day I'll be one of those old ladies in community choir singing the bass lines! CLASSIC!)
Anyways so there I was wailing as I approach the gardens, I looked around to make sure no one was there to be disturbed...or judge me. (This girl on her bike totally ruined the climax of "Let Me Be Your Star" as I was waiting for the bus)
And then I saw this kid at the gates to the garden, luckily the song was over so I just didn't start singing the next one. As I approached this kid I noted how very hipster he looked, I think hipsters are ridiculous. (Hot tea should not be put in glass jars! It only makes the jars too hot to hold!)
"We're you singing opera just now" I could see how he might mistake my wailing for operatic excellence. I explained that I was actually singing a song from a musical. He just seemed so delighted!
"Could you sing some more for me please!?" omg what do you say to that.
I actually had a meeting this morning which is a suitable reason for going into school when I don't have class unlike usual. So I told him I had to get to class.
"Are you sure you couldn't sing just a bit more, you pretty much made my morning" I was flattered but honestly so embarrassed I declined some more.
"I've put you on the spot haven't I?" You don't think? "Well can I at least get your number and maybe we can hang out later and you can sing some more then?"
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING! I gave this random stranger my number (he was actually pretty cute besides his hipster get up)  Mama Alfred will molt his feathers when he reads this!
Needless to say he tried once more to get me to sing! "Please," he said. "I'm dressed like Tintin!"
AND SO HE FREAKING WAS!! He had the dog in his back pack and everything! Bike leaning up against the fence! Mind blown there it was!

I just gave my number to Tintin!                                                          (Tintin does kinda look like a hipster)
Once again I declined and really had to be on my way...I really hope he doesn't call me....how awkward would that be!?
My friend Gumpette thinks he was probably a left over from the Fine Arts pub crawl last night which leads me to believe he slept in the gardens all night....but he wasn't wet and it was raining so I can hope not...but he was probably still really drunk....
Goodness I hope he doesn't call!
Goodnight my children!