Oh Hey,
So are you ever, you know, moseying about in your own life, worrying about your own things but not really having any huge life altering crisis to deal with and so are actually fine when you're stressing the small things.
Yeah well that's been me for like the past 5-6 years.
No one's died, I haven't been robbed or anything.
Now and then I get into a friendship fight or something like Priscilla and I usually stop being friends from December-March (not this year though this year the friendship is strong).
Sometimes I have to remove friends entirely (it's only happened twice so it's not a huge thing)
Mostly I just walk around worrying about others who's lives are way more messed up than mine and debating on whether to watch The OC or Project Runway. To do homework or clean the house.
Trivial things.
But suddenly out of no where it's like the universe remembered I was over here and they were like "hmmm she's had it pretty easy for some time now...let's shake it up"
And like even then my issue is still a trivial issue it's just something I'm totally out of my element in and haven't had to deal with since like high school.
(still debating on whether or not to say what the issue is so I'll keep rambling)
So everyone's got their theories on how life works, who controls the universe, is it God/Fate/Spagetti and I have no idea if any or all of those things are correct. Sometimes I think people just worr about their destiny so much they force themselves onto one path.
I'm starting to believe it's more like Sims, I used to think it was like board games but I feel they've upgraded.
There's like 20 people just on the other side of the sky and they've created these towns and all the people inside them and now and then they get bored and they take their favorite characters to new places and build whole new towns.
Like the theory that the world stops when you're not in it, people kind of just power down. We go on autopilot when our maker person goes off to play in another world. Which apparently my maker has been gone for about 5 years and has just remembered us over here and was like "man, Cecilly seems so peaceful....let's fuck her up for a bit!"
Well it's working
(I'm not going to tell you)
What I will tell you is I have become obsessed with something. Something that I can not have, something that I don't even particularly like but I find the concept interesting enough that I want to learn more about it. Which I then realize I am doing and I go "no no Cecilly be reasonable! Pull yourself together! You are an adult!"
And I'm fine for about an hour before my mind wanders back to it.
And the Universe is like ahahaha and they start to put up things that remind me of it all around. At school, on the bus. I can be not thinking about it and something will pop up that reminds me. Or I will be thinking of it and it will appear right in front of me.
I would like to think I've acheived a special summoning power but that's doubtful. Instead I'm just going crazy.
It's like when you have a Sims love triangle and the user keeps trying to get the two not together to interact and the singleton starts falling more and more in love and the couple one is like omg no go away.
I don't know if Sims can kill themselves (i'm not going to kill myself keep reading) but the user is definitely on it's way to telling me to go swimming and then will remove all the ladders and then I will just drown in this!
It's really not fair
And it's trivial which makes it all the worst I think....
Oh well,
It's Christmas....worse comes to worse I'll start reading Fanfiction again....
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Monday, 4 February 2013
My Love is too Beautiful to Have Thrown Back in My Face
This post will not be happy because I am not happy.
It happens.
No, it's not because February is the month of depression. It's not because February is 'Black History Month' (which is bullshit I don't need brought up). It's not because I have to turn 21 in a week.
It's partly because of this movie For Colored Girls which is based off of this choreopoem play. I thought I knew pain before this movie but watching it feels like the slow tearing of your soul. Is it because I'm black that I can relate to this? No I don't think so because if you've read my other posts about my interactions with other black people you've probably picked up that I'm seriously white washed in many ways.
Something about women struggling, loss, abuse. It gets me.
If we're honest, this is the kind of thing I would have watched and then called Alfred over because I was in such a ridiculous state of sobbing...and he would have stood there going omg what do I do but with ice cream...
So I caved today and bought my own ice cream. I wasn't going to. I haven't bought ice cream since before christmas because it was egg nog flavored and I could not pass up that opportunity!
But yeah, I miss Alfred I guess. Which probably shouldn't be new info. Just a lot of things have happened in the course of a week. Just the craziest things that 1-make no sense, 2-shouldn't happen, 3-I have no desire to deal with.
So naturally I've been ignoring...most of these things.
One thing I'll tell you about I could not ignore.
My friend has been insisting that I go on a date with this guy from her office for sometime and since I no longer hang out with Alfred she decided it was time for a little blind date...and I guess I ran out of excuses not to.
He was a very nice guy, nice that he has an actual job, nice that he has his own place, and his own friends...but I still don't date. Nor do I want to. Which of course was really awkward to explain but he seemed to have taken it alright...my friend's definitely going to kill me though when she finds out. Hopefully she doesn't find out for a few days.
Luckily I still have Sergei, which you know I just realized I have never told you about. He is my best guy/gay friend, not that that's how I should identify my friends to people but...it's easiest...Jude would kill me if she knew. Anyways I'll call him Sergei because he's super into all things British and his regal ancestry but he was also Russian and very proud of that as well. Sergei seems Russian and regal so it'll do I think. Anyways, we've been hanging out because he's come to his senses recently and doesn't want to go into poli sci but is going back to Calgary next year so he's just taking whatever courses right now which means he has plenty of free time to spend with me...where we drink, gossip, and watch Poireaux (the agatha christie detective, it's super good) Saturday night was a friend's birthday so we got suuuuuuuper drunk and I ate a fondue bowl of chocolate. No regrets, chocolate is the best. And then my lovely boy made me food the next morning, just perfect.
So I guess I'm not totally miserable, still miserable but things have the potential to look up. I just have to stop watching this movie because I've watched it twice now and just thinking about it get's me crying. Like in the lobby today talking to this first year. She's all like 'omg do you need a hug' and I'm like 'no man I got this I just have to stop thinking about it' ...so I try not to think about it in public.
Walking around my house and sobbing profusely is safe though.
But really I just wanted to write this blog to thank the people I love and who are there for me, even the ones that don't realize they're there for me. I love you and thank you.
It happens.
No, it's not because February is the month of depression. It's not because February is 'Black History Month' (which is bullshit I don't need brought up). It's not because I have to turn 21 in a week.
It's partly because of this movie For Colored Girls which is based off of this choreopoem play. I thought I knew pain before this movie but watching it feels like the slow tearing of your soul. Is it because I'm black that I can relate to this? No I don't think so because if you've read my other posts about my interactions with other black people you've probably picked up that I'm seriously white washed in many ways.
Something about women struggling, loss, abuse. It gets me.
If we're honest, this is the kind of thing I would have watched and then called Alfred over because I was in such a ridiculous state of sobbing...and he would have stood there going omg what do I do but with ice cream...
So I caved today and bought my own ice cream. I wasn't going to. I haven't bought ice cream since before christmas because it was egg nog flavored and I could not pass up that opportunity!
But yeah, I miss Alfred I guess. Which probably shouldn't be new info. Just a lot of things have happened in the course of a week. Just the craziest things that 1-make no sense, 2-shouldn't happen, 3-I have no desire to deal with.
So naturally I've been ignoring...most of these things.
One thing I'll tell you about I could not ignore.
My friend has been insisting that I go on a date with this guy from her office for sometime and since I no longer hang out with Alfred she decided it was time for a little blind date...and I guess I ran out of excuses not to.
He was a very nice guy, nice that he has an actual job, nice that he has his own place, and his own friends...but I still don't date. Nor do I want to. Which of course was really awkward to explain but he seemed to have taken it alright...my friend's definitely going to kill me though when she finds out. Hopefully she doesn't find out for a few days.
Luckily I still have Sergei, which you know I just realized I have never told you about. He is my best guy/gay friend, not that that's how I should identify my friends to people but...it's easiest...Jude would kill me if she knew. Anyways I'll call him Sergei because he's super into all things British and his regal ancestry but he was also Russian and very proud of that as well. Sergei seems Russian and regal so it'll do I think. Anyways, we've been hanging out because he's come to his senses recently and doesn't want to go into poli sci but is going back to Calgary next year so he's just taking whatever courses right now which means he has plenty of free time to spend with me...where we drink, gossip, and watch Poireaux (the agatha christie detective, it's super good) Saturday night was a friend's birthday so we got suuuuuuuper drunk and I ate a fondue bowl of chocolate. No regrets, chocolate is the best. And then my lovely boy made me food the next morning, just perfect.
So I guess I'm not totally miserable, still miserable but things have the potential to look up. I just have to stop watching this movie because I've watched it twice now and just thinking about it get's me crying. Like in the lobby today talking to this first year. She's all like 'omg do you need a hug' and I'm like 'no man I got this I just have to stop thinking about it' ...so I try not to think about it in public.
Walking around my house and sobbing profusely is safe though.
But really I just wanted to write this blog to thank the people I love and who are there for me, even the ones that don't realize they're there for me. I love you and thank you.
Saturday, 1 December 2012
EXAM WEEK: An Excuse to be Ugly!
We are so close my friends who are also in school.
Exam week is almost upon us. For UVic Monday is the last day of classes and then we can alllllll cry!
I have a paper and an in class test on Monday. Luckily the paper's not due til Midnight but I've been trying to write it forever!!
Last month I told myself I would have it done for the 20th which would give me like 2 weeks to fix it....the 20th came and I lay down. I said to myself THE 25TH! The 25th came and it was not done so I lay down some more.
Now it is December 1st!
What should happen on December 1st? I should have an advent calendar in my hand for one! I do not!! Misery has overcome me for my lack of cheap, wax chocolate.
Happily though it was the Phoenix Coffee House last night which is basically a giant talent show for all the theater students....because we like to show off just that much more! (What can I say, we're attention seekers)
I did not perform. I did 2 things last year and it's just so much nicer to sit in the audience, drink and watch everyone else. No need to worry about going and falling down because you're drunk...yes we drink shhh.
The 4th years do a board sketch which is a voice over as they walk up to the announcement board...many poop jokes....very strange.
I think the bests part of the night was when this girl gave me a kinder surprise! and it wasn't one of those lame ones that I got all summer! It was awesome! I made a bird! Maybe I will take a picture and show it to you sometime. It can't stand because I dropped the feet under the bleachers and then didn't go back for them.
I was in so much pain yesterday because I accidentally exercised. Yes you can exercise by accident.
My french class ended an hour early so I figured I could do splits, hide in the change room during dancer physique and then do pole dancing but somewhere in there my timing was off.
I got all ready to do splits and the teacher just decided we weren't going to do splits. Just the dancer physique class! She turns on this off mashup remix 2 hour playlist of pop music! It drives me batty but I just know that I'm in dancer physique and it's too late! I can't run away! I'm all set up! She knows I'm there! If I ran for my life she would find me! So I stayed!
An hour and a half of intense toning exercises. The class makes me want to vomit because it mostly focuses on legs and core and I don't have core. My core is my stomach and my stomach doesn't want abs.
So I cried.
And then I did pole and I cried some more! Pole is supposed to be fun! Not excruciating pain!
Naturally when I woke up the next morning movement was not an option. But I had no choice! I had to go school second years on how to talk to rude people which I know nothing about! I am all about the retaliation! But I suppose the basics are good to know even if you are unable to put them into effect.
But of course after all that I am HIDEOUSLY UGLY!
I washed my hair because it was gross but my arms hurt to much to hold above my head to straighten my hair again and I didn't have time yesterday and now I'm supposed to be writing this essay!
I am going to be ugly for the next week! At least! Maybe longer depending on how gross I get running around on front of house during the Ride the Cyclone run while working at the library.
Cry time, time for cries.
I just want to lie down some more but i really have to get this essay looking coherent by Monday...seems impossible.
Also I have to study for this opera test but the kid who wants to study is not responding to my texts. That is unacceptable I'm not going to study for it by myself. That's just foolish.
Siiiiiigh.
Welcome to December.
Welcome to the end of the world. (20 days for all you crazy people who are super worried about dying virgins)
No we're not going to talk about my opinion of stupid people who try to fine their raison d'etre in relationships now. I have enough of that in Miss Saigon.
Though I just want to say that VOS is doing Miss Saigon in the spring. And I know I'm not the skinniest asian you're going to find since I'm not skinny and I'm not asian but I can work a pole! There are strippers in Miss Saigon! Lord! PLEASE! Let me be a call girl!
That's all I ask!
Anyways,
Back to essays.
Exam week is almost upon us. For UVic Monday is the last day of classes and then we can alllllll cry!
I have a paper and an in class test on Monday. Luckily the paper's not due til Midnight but I've been trying to write it forever!!
Last month I told myself I would have it done for the 20th which would give me like 2 weeks to fix it....the 20th came and I lay down. I said to myself THE 25TH! The 25th came and it was not done so I lay down some more.
Now it is December 1st!
What should happen on December 1st? I should have an advent calendar in my hand for one! I do not!! Misery has overcome me for my lack of cheap, wax chocolate.
Happily though it was the Phoenix Coffee House last night which is basically a giant talent show for all the theater students....because we like to show off just that much more! (What can I say, we're attention seekers)
I did not perform. I did 2 things last year and it's just so much nicer to sit in the audience, drink and watch everyone else. No need to worry about going and falling down because you're drunk...yes we drink shhh.
The 4th years do a board sketch which is a voice over as they walk up to the announcement board...many poop jokes....very strange.
I think the bests part of the night was when this girl gave me a kinder surprise! and it wasn't one of those lame ones that I got all summer! It was awesome! I made a bird! Maybe I will take a picture and show it to you sometime. It can't stand because I dropped the feet under the bleachers and then didn't go back for them.
I was in so much pain yesterday because I accidentally exercised. Yes you can exercise by accident.
My french class ended an hour early so I figured I could do splits, hide in the change room during dancer physique and then do pole dancing but somewhere in there my timing was off.
I got all ready to do splits and the teacher just decided we weren't going to do splits. Just the dancer physique class! She turns on this off mashup remix 2 hour playlist of pop music! It drives me batty but I just know that I'm in dancer physique and it's too late! I can't run away! I'm all set up! She knows I'm there! If I ran for my life she would find me! So I stayed!
An hour and a half of intense toning exercises. The class makes me want to vomit because it mostly focuses on legs and core and I don't have core. My core is my stomach and my stomach doesn't want abs.
So I cried.
And then I did pole and I cried some more! Pole is supposed to be fun! Not excruciating pain!
Naturally when I woke up the next morning movement was not an option. But I had no choice! I had to go school second years on how to talk to rude people which I know nothing about! I am all about the retaliation! But I suppose the basics are good to know even if you are unable to put them into effect.
But of course after all that I am HIDEOUSLY UGLY!
I washed my hair because it was gross but my arms hurt to much to hold above my head to straighten my hair again and I didn't have time yesterday and now I'm supposed to be writing this essay!
I am going to be ugly for the next week! At least! Maybe longer depending on how gross I get running around on front of house during the Ride the Cyclone run while working at the library.
Cry time, time for cries.
I just want to lie down some more but i really have to get this essay looking coherent by Monday...seems impossible.
Also I have to study for this opera test but the kid who wants to study is not responding to my texts. That is unacceptable I'm not going to study for it by myself. That's just foolish.
Siiiiiigh.
Welcome to December.
Welcome to the end of the world. (20 days for all you crazy people who are super worried about dying virgins)
No we're not going to talk about my opinion of stupid people who try to fine their raison d'etre in relationships now. I have enough of that in Miss Saigon.
Though I just want to say that VOS is doing Miss Saigon in the spring. And I know I'm not the skinniest asian you're going to find since I'm not skinny and I'm not asian but I can work a pole! There are strippers in Miss Saigon! Lord! PLEASE! Let me be a call girl!
That's all I ask!
Anyways,
Back to essays.
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