So you may have been looking at my blog thinking "where did this girl go? She musta died or something"
Nope not dead, Bambi just told me once upon a time that if you haven't got anything nice to say you better not say anything...so I didn't.
And I was all for writing a post about how I'm moving up in the pole world and I can do a full combo or I'm sick and sniffly and I don't know how to handle it or about how silly Alfred is that he biked up to Tofino for reading break and ripped his back open on a cliff OR HELL how I made a grill cheese last night but burnt one side! All these would have been perfectly, non-offensive but noooo.
Aurora sent me a message this morning and I feel like somethings in the land of dating should be straightened out. I know you're all sitting there thinking "But Cecilly, you don't believe in dating!" You would be right, I don't. I think it's stupid and a waste of time but that doesn't mean I haven't dated and maybe I'm a prude but I've still got a few opinions on how it should go. Take it or leave it but I'mma judge you if you don't.
Step 1: Falling in Love
All that none sense about love at first sight is just that, none sense. I have never met anyone that has fallen instantly unless they are forcing themselves to do so. (How do you force yourself to fall in love?) Easy, you are sooooo sad and desperate that every room you walk into with a man you start evaluating whether or not you could be together, will your children be ugly, does he look like he'll buy you things? Ridiculous factors that you've been led to believe is the key to happiness. Hell looks don't even come into the equation most times though if your like me 'would I want to see his face 24/7?' is usually a quick way to eliminate people from the pool.
Anyways so you're planning on falling in love. First look at your group of friends. Do any of them appeal to you? If yes, are there any major things about them that you can't stand? Yes? Probably shouldn't date them you'll just end up fighting about it later. If No well then give it ago they might not be interested. If No to the first, mosey on over to a dating website, look at your co-workers, people in your classes or be one of those people who some how find their love at a party (I'm usually having too much fun to care)
Step 2: Getting To Know You
If you actually intend on being in a relationship you might want to get to know him first. Unless you were the person who answered yes to the group of friends then you probably already know each other. Hanging out and going on a date are very different. On dates you're trying to impress each other. If you can hang out with any significant awkwardness or problems then you may very well be able to spend time with each other for the rest of your lives. Which also means hanging out involves TALKING! Relationships involve communication and it should go past "How are you?" "Fine, you?" "Good!" *SNOG* no that's not how it goes you hormonal prepubescents! I expect to be able to hold at least a 30 minute conversation about something more meaningful than the awful Victoria weather without physical contact for this to even be feasible. Which brings me to possibly the most important step!
Step 3: Test Him Out in a Group
Now I don't just mean any group. Like you can't go to the aquarium and see how he handles small children running around. I mean a group where he will be forced to interact, a group like your friends. Hell it SHOULD be your friends! Everyone acts differently in a group as opposed to one on one, some desire to belong I think.
But I do not understand people who don't take friend advice into account. They are called friends for a reason, you should be able to trust them unless your life is like Gossip Girl or Popular. And if your friends don't like him there's probably a reason. And if you don't like that reason you had better have strong justification to sway their opinion of him or else he's going to have to start working super hard to impress them.
Maybe you disagree, "the opinions of my friends shouldn't stop me from loving who I love!" ...Fine...think that way if you want but I'll tell you what's going to happen. You'll become the friend that nobody likes. They won't want to see you because seeing you means seeing him and they don't like him. Or they'll be super standoffish and rude when he's around. And then you'll get upset and cry "I don't understand why none of my friends like him." Well girl they already told you but you chose not to listen. And then you'll spend all your time with him and slowly lose contact with all your friends and then one day he'll be like "I don't know if this is working" so you'll poke holes in his condoms so you get pregnant and then he'll have to stay and marry you (If he's a good man) or he could leave you and your child to suffer and maybe pay child support now and then.
Your Choice.
Step 4: Start Dating:
Now see I've basically addressed this whole post to girls so far, it can go either way take it how you want.
So you've decided this guy isn't totally weird, he's kind of interesting, he's not public enemy number one among your friends. Date him!
Now unless your whole plan in the first place was to strip him down and have your way with him you're actually going to go on some dates. (and if your plan was just to sleep with him you are a crazy closet slut and I'm telling you now you don't need a boyfriend to find someone who will have sex with you. There are tons of desperate people just like you milling around in lust.)
Going on dates include: Having dinner, going to a movie, watching live music, bowling, going for a walk, having coffee, basically any ridiculous classy thing you've seen in a cheesy chick flick. It usually involves spending money but hey you can learn a lot about your significant other by how they spend money.
Of course your date could be cooler and come up with something more original like a picnic, amusement parks, a treasure hunt, one of those scooter tours, whale watching. I don't know what people do when they want original dates. A guy took me hiking once, I was not impressed, I was not aware we were going hiking, I got sweaty and blisters...we don't talk anymore.
And you know once you get the huge spectacle of dating out of the way you can settle into normal coupley things like movie and popcorn at home, video games (if you're into that), nice at home dinner or order in.
Any sort of date like activity that ends with the audience going awww so cute.
And then you go home.
Cue Mama Prude.
Step 5: Pulling on the Naughty Boots
Some may call me a prude for my standards of when to have sex in the relationship but like I said Miss Closety Slut, you don't need a boyfriend to get a man in your bed. The fact that you would go through all that work just to have sex on a first date reinforces me thinking your crazy. ANYHOOOO!
Personally if being in a relationship is important to you and you've been putting time and money into this I think you can wait a month. It's really not that long a time especially if you have other stuff to do like work/homework/dishes. I really don't think you should even see each other everyday, just leads to dependency. And yes in that month I also mean you can't have sleep overs where you just sleep together but don't have sex. That's not fair to anyone, that's just teasing them only there's no goodness and you get to see how ugly they are in the morning.
Of course I know some of you would disagree "But I've been working on getting him for so long, now he's mine and I wanna jump him." (I think you all should know that I type these whiners in a high pitched annoying voice) Well then fine, have a reward wait 1-2 weeks if you're really that desperate to play with your new pogo. And if you're still going to argue with me you're ridiculous, there are people who date much longer than you and don't have sex until marriage. So I'll just be turning a deaf ear to your pitiful complaints.
Step 6: Live as Happily as You Can While Being Considerate
So you're in love. Congrats. I hope you've chosen wisely. But you know, just because you're floating around with pink glasses on in orgasmic bliss does not mean you can stop following the Human Decency Guidelines...ok so maybe they're not an actual set of guide lines but here are my basics for relationships.
- Keep your Public Displays of Attention in check! I don't want to be having a conversation and get interrupted by wandering hands. Keep your hysterical horny sounds at a low volume so they won't distract me when I'm studying or trying to eat. And I have no interest in watching porn in public (or ever really but that's just because I think it's a very strange and sad career)
- Accommodate the feelings of others. Do you have a roommate? Have you asked them if it's ok for your boytoy to come over? What if they wanted to watch T.V in the living room or have a lot of homework? At least take it to your room if you're just going to drop in an announced but hell you should be giving them a chance to run if he's coming over. How about a warning that they might not want to walk around in their underwear because your man is staying the night! Common courtesy don't forget it.
- Broadcast your relationship on social media. If you're not utterly disgusting and gushy about it people won't really care but what is the point in being in a relationship if it's secret!? People are going to find out anyways if you're not being discrete. People are going to judge you for not telling them, wouldn't you rather be on top of the gossip? (Normal people say yes to that question. If you said no it probably doesn't bode well)
So there you go!
Mama's Guide To Wooing by moi! (Can't not make a blog about falling in love without Fergie!)
You should listen to my sound words but if you don't it's not really my problem because I do think relationships are a time waster for lonely people.
Peace out ready people,we'll see if I can bring myself to be nicer next time. <3
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