The Honk!

My new life in apartment living has opened my eyes to all the different honks in the world.
And I'mma share em with you now.

It starts with the simple, standard monday morning dumptruck.
And I'm talking every monday morning even holidays the dump truck comes to empty!
Around 7am you're gunna hear a beep,beep,beep,beep for about 2 minutes and then a HONK HONK! as the dump truck backs out into oncoming traffic and just prays no ones gunna hit him...which is stupid, there must be a better way to be a dump truck.

Now the location of my building is between two intersections on Mckenzie.
One intersection is the start of a hill then there's a little bit of slump and then more hill. And lord you can bet that slump causes a whole lot of trouble.
Which brings us to honk number two
The HONK HONK
the honk honk is reserved for bitches who be trying to turn in the slump areas. We've got the ones who can't see over the slump and have a long line of cars behind them who are pissed off because they keep missing their chances to turn cause, once again, they can't see.
Or for the people in the slump trying to turn left in rush hour who can't be getting through and the line behind them that are mad they've decided to turn there.
(Truth is there should just be a darn barrier there so no one can turn)

Then we got the LOOOOOOONG.
This is for the guy who's going 60 down the hill on his phone not paying attention to the suddenly stopping traffic up ahead and manages to stop just in time, usually accompanied by the squealing of tires.
It can also be found when one of those cars trying to turn in the slump takes the rash decision to go for it! and nearly gets taken out by the oncoming traffic they couldn't see.
This honk is usually accompanied by a "LEARN TO DRIVE ASSHOLE" or similar words of caution and anger.

The LOOOOOOONG is often followed by the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG
From the person who made the rash turn, or almost got hit by the idiot not watching the traffic up ahead. Though the former is totes in the wrong they'll usually throw a "fuck you" back at the other cars. Why? They think they're pretty fly drivers.
They're wrong.

Then there's the two am LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!
And it's at two am and there's not a lot of people on the road so I just usually assume that a raccoon is in danger or owls are dive bombing cars which i don't really care about so I roll over and go back to bed.

And last but I'm sure not least, a new one I just heard this morning. This is probably the most life altering...of course I still didn't get out of bed to see what had happened but I was intrigued.
This morning....probs like 5am cause the light was up but lord it was no time for me to be awake.
I heard, right out side my window in the slump, a TOOT TOOT "You ok man?" Like a oh hello bro over here just slowly approaching you in my car I see you have a problem and I was wondering if you needed help honk?
So I assumed the dude being honked at must be in like some sort of dilemma.
Hit by a car
Broken down car
Flat tire (lols see how the chain of my brain works up there)

But the dude was like "No man, I'm good".....You're good?
......
Well ok bye

And the other car just drove off. By cool you're fine whatever his dilemma was.
I still didn't look out the window but I was THOROUGHLY intrigued.
Peace out car drivers,
And when in doubt, honk it out.

On Sunday We Make Eggs Benedict

So the summer or life as my father likes to call it has at last begun. 

Today was my first day of work as well as Auroras first day. Needless to say we are now incredibly exhausted!!!

The day began at 5 am. I had to be at work for 6:30 to make the breakfast.  But it is Sunday. And on Sundays busses don't start until like 7. Soooo. I could have walked but if you know me you know I don't fucking walk if I have a choice. And it was my first day of work so I sucked it up and took a cab. And walked a little way. 

It was very nice. A peaceful start to the morning. No one but the garbage men and the bike patrol around downtown. 

And the day started!

The woman in the kitchen with me also isn't the usual kitchen person so we had a pretty good time cutting up fruit and making muffins and more and more people showed up. 

And we're all pretty young bwhich is nice. We all speak the same language. 

And then the time came to make the eggs Benedict. Now I hadn't made this until Thursday. I made it for earl cause I figured I should practice. 

The first two times I made the hillandaise sauce I wasn't communicating yolk properly from eyes to brain and made it with egg white which was very confusing because I knew it was supposed to be yellow. Luckily it was packaged sauce for breakfast so I didn't fuck up the nice peoples breakfast. 

I'm probs never going to finish this post as I thought it should be. But that's what I've got. 

Tada!!!!

Jello Shots Shots Shots

Loooooooord,
Aurora my roommate and Earl have decided to throw a Space Jam party in our apartment tomorrow night.
Which is essentially a get together of us and our friend, whom I shall call Antoinette, playing the Space Jam drinking game which I'd like to note Aurora and I have done once before and almost didn't live to speak of.
It wasn't nearly as bad as the Beauty and the Beast drinking game but that's because you have to drink every time they say Gaston as well as every line of Gaston so that song alone you drink everything you own.
But the Space Jam one is pretty intense.
I can't tell you how it started.
Something about Jello was said which I'd like to note I don't like Jello and then they decided we should make Jello shots and drink them while watching Space Jam and that's basically it.
That's the whole plan.
So we just made 60 (probably actually 55) Jello shots in Red Orange and Green (the colors are insignificant)
And then Earl! For whatever reason told us (LIED TO US) that they had to be frozen because of the vodka in them which doens't even make that much sense because vodka doesn't freeze when it's in the freezer.
But apparently neither of us actually know how to make Jello Shots so we went along with it and cleared some space in the freezer which we don't have room for because of all my delicious bacon in there.
And then what do I do?
I look at the instructions because Earl is known for his lies.
And YUP!
HE LIED!
We could have put them all in the fridge, nicely on a tray, where there's plenty of freaking room!!!
So we'll wait.
We'll wait until he's gone to move the shots onto the fridge try with the rest of them....
Right now they're making Fake Bailey's Mousse.
Fake Bailey's because it's not Bailey's  but tastes the same.

Also our sink blew up.
I don't know what to do about these things because where I come from sinks don't blow up.
But Aurora called the building manager and he'll come tomorrow I guess....
All she says is thank goodness it's not the fridge, it's blown up twice
I don't know
I guess I'll have to get dressed in the morning...

~Drink More Stress Less~
Words to live by from Earl

Maple Ridge Make Out Point

Every city needs a make out point. 

That's what we figure out while I was back in the ditch last week. But we couldn't think of one place that would be a good place to park, say "isn't it a beautiful night. Look at the stars," arm stretch and make out. 

Followed by serial killers, zombies, vampires, werewolves and so on. 

Without a make out point. Your town will never be the realistic location of a criminal minds episode or d-list cheesy teen movie. 

And that would be a traumatic loss for the town. 

So my friends and I went a scoping for the best make out location in ridge to remedy this. 

We drove across all the mountain tops and found very little BUT! We found a temporary location. Up above srt where the gravel pit used to be and they haven't  built houses yet. It's temporary I expect houses on the cul de sac will be built by the fall. 

You're welcome

Fuck awkwardly away my ridge bunnies. 

Meanwhile I still think the Pitt meadows ball diamonds facing the air port is the most fantastic spot. 

But don't go there under incriminating circumstances or park where the police can catch you. 

That's my advice. 

That's all. 

Have a grand day!

Close and Suck!

Remember when I made that post about Breasts? Well today was an excellent fucking example of someone outside of their boob career path.
Women with large boobs should not be dental hygenists. The last thing I want to look at for an hour long appointment because the tv over my seat is broken is your boobs and wonder if I'm about to be smothered.
But that is not where my qualms with the dentists office begin.
They probably begin with the violent cleaning I give my teeth myself before going to get them cleaned.
I'm like my grandmother that way.
She pays someone to come clean her house but cleans everything before she gets there.

So I always arrive to the dentists office at about 2 minutes before the appointment in scheduled for.
I used to arrive earlier but you just sit waiting because they're never ahead of schedule and even when you arrive on time you still wait an extra 10 minutes to get in but if you're not there right at 11 someone calls to make sure you're coming!
It's not fair!
It throws my punctualness into a frenzy let me tell you!!!

So I arrive and I wait and there's no wifi and I don't want to turn on my data so I watch the same ad about botox a few times nnd think ew. And finally I'm sent in to this hygenist woman I've never seen before with boobs that are too big.
And I can't watch the tv like I normally would because it's broken so I stare at this woman's boobs and wonder if I'm going to die as she starts cleaning my teeth.
And I guess the tv in my ears used to block out the sound of the cleaner because seriously that high pitched sound as that thing goes across your teeth not only makes my nerves stand on edge but I'm like seriously losing my mind and it like hurts to have my teeth cleaned because I can hear it? I don't know but I just cringed the entire time.
And she was doing that thing where she tries to talk to you but there's hands and mechanical shit in your mouth and you're just like fuck lady shut up and clean!!!
and that sucker hose thing is getting a little too close to those loose bits underneath your tongue and just ow everything ow!
And then my dentist comes over whom I would just like to say here I NEVER agreed to.
One day a few, probably like 9, years ago my dentist up and sold his practice to this chinese woman. Like fresh, couldn't understand a word of her english chinese woman! And she is AWFUL! Like really she should practice dentistry on her self so that she can understand how much pain all her clients are in.
Last Christmas I had to get fillings done and she didn't even freeze half my mouth I nearly jumped out the fucking chair and punched her I was in so much pain!
But I restrained because I'm a good person.
So she comes over and she's like hmmmm you had braces and I'm like yeeeeeeeeeeeeees.
"well there's a gap in your teeth."
yes and the only way to fix that was to get braces again and it's not even that noticeable so no way in hell would I put myself through that process and hell again! Especially not as a grown woman with no dental. I wear the retainer that's all there is to it.

So I ran away as fast as I could from the dentists office.
Stopped for some chocolate milk which I couldn't drink right away from Extra Foods which continues to be the shittiest grocery store in Maple Ridge even after it was closed for like 4 or 6 years.

And because that medical is about to run out I booked all my appointments for one day and moseyed off to the eye doctor.

Now I used to hate the eye doctor.
A terrible place where they puff air into your eyes and blind you with flashes when you're looking at the little green dot in the center....
Well it's still got all that. And a new game where you click a button every time you see a shimmer (supposedly to check if you got glocoma) which is actually a lot of fun and I wouldn't mind playing again.
But I used to have this evil white man as an optometrist whom I never trusted. I still think I wore the wrong prescription for several years because this man would trick you with the line reading tests....also why don't they ever let your eyes adjust to the darkness!?
But they've gotten rid of him. Yes they have!

Now I know there are a lot of complaints about these minority doctors coming and taking the jobs away from the white people (i'm black if you've forgotten but have quite a lot of whiteness from my moms side) And I always expected to be one of those old ladies that refuse to be sent to retirement homes or go to the doctors because the white doctors are all gone and I just don't trust those asians (see my above comments on my shitty dentist if you think that's unfounded and racist)

But Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooord! you should see the man they brought up in this optometry office!
Now I'm not a huge fan of brown men, call me racist they've just never tickled my fancy. But the man they brought up the office yesterday was one fine piece of toasted caramel ass!
And he was funny. So funny and good looking I thought yes sir I could agree to bless the world with fair skinned, luscious haired, beautiful mixed children with this one!! He even has money. He's got it allllllllllllllllllllll.
Sign me up for the housewives brigade! Just call me Mrs. Harprinder Gill!

and I got some new glasses and I must say I look hella fine.

ANCHORS AWEIGH!

Someone once tried to convince me that boats that dropped anchors just cut those anchors loose after using them and carried on their way leading me to believe that the ocean floor must be incredibly riddled with anchors.
But in choosing this title I did some research and that's not true.
Also this post has nothing more to do with anchors or ships.

It's about fucking packing and moving.
Cause I am going INSANE people!
and my back hurts from lifting and cleaning.

I don't like packing.
There was a time as a child that I did but I'm pretty sure that's because I was excited to go camping or something.
Now I am old and tired of packing.
It's a pain! (literally)

And Earl has already helped me move to car loads but there's still tons and tons of stuff!
And my mother goes, Cecilly what are you sending home?
And I go "Hell I don't know. I don't know what I need. You'll take things and then I'll realize I really wanted those things and I'll be more annoyed!"

It probably doesn't help that there are a bunch of other things I have to do to:
Find a job- the goal was to find a job by May....look it's May 2nd. That failed. But actually if I'm not packing, I'm applying and I have applied to at least 50 jobs online which might be my problem but they say apply online........please kill me.
Go to a wedding- ok so the weddings not til Friday and it's in Maple Ridge so it shouldn't really be effecting me but I can't decide what to wear to it so I can't pack my clothes...also I'm going to need a hell of a lot more hangers because I'm losing a dresser and gaining a walk in closet.
But the problem with that is I don't have money. Like I might have 15$ in total to spend over the course of May if I don't get a job the entirety of May and that's with my student line of credit and credit card factored in. I will have just enough for the rent of June and that stupid Shaw bill.

Of course Earl is just like you're fine, calm down you'll get a job. Which is very nice of him but still freaking out.

I'm moving in with Aurora which means no one needs to travel to drink, I'm going to have a balcony so like omg sunlight! A walk in closet which is necessary for the amount of stuff I have, though I swear all my clothes used to be able to fit in 3 suitcases.
But aside from all that above, and the fact that I have to carry some very heavy book cases tomorrow, there's only one thing I'm dreading.

Carpet.

I fucking hate carpet, probably because the majority of my life growing up I walked on tile or hardwood flooring. The only reason I haven't gone crazy in my basement suit is because the carpet is in that really low like worn out state.
But soon I'll be walking on some tall carpet. Like my toes could get lost in it tall. I criiiiiiinge. Luckily I'm going to Ridge for that wedding so I'm gunna have to grab me some slippers.

And
(I'm sorry girl but really!)
I'm not going to name names cause she knows she lived there.
I can't handle dirty carpet, on floors or women, and this room was sooooooooooo dirty!
Bobby pins all over the place.
As a woman I don't know why you're not taking those with you but that's fine I'll use em.
But the faux pas.

FAUX PAS!

Friends do not make their friends pick up their dirty used q-tips!!
THAT'S SO WRONG!!!
Disgusting and wrong!!!!!!!

But. I'm a big girl.
I've handled worse than the ear wax from one of my closests friend's ears.

And Aurora's vaccuum is miiiiiiiiiiiighty powerful let me tell you.

Now. My mother is almost here and the house is still not ready
and as much as I'd rather be camping right now I must
WEIGH ANCHOR!!

The Breast Career Choice for your Breasts

Every set of breasts has a career best suited to them.
Like those extra large like size MMM things that are on the side of your internet browser. Those boobs are meant for porn because they're too big for real life but can still fulfill fantasies of being suffocated by breasts.
Then there's the fried egg club which is good for any career where you would find yourself wearing an abundance of button up tops, like business women because big boobed women rarely have the patience to go hunting for button up tops that fit and will button all the way up to an appropriate level without having that awkward pulling apart look like your boobs are caged and ready to break free. Or high fashion models, because androgyny is a super must have thing up there.
If they're super round and bouncy, maybe their destiny is to be seen bouncing in slow motion down a beach like in Bay Watch and every movie/TV show that ripped that off them.
Or if they're juuuuuuuuuuust the right size, the size where bikini tops just almost don't cover them because they're tiny little triangles to cover up your nipples. but still have enough lift in them that they're not going to fall out the bottom maybe you were meant to be a swim suit model, sports illustrated, a body builder, a personal trainer to give all those girls something to strive for and the men something to look at.
Or maybe your boobs are just fake and hell do whatever you want.
(but realistically, if I'm buying fake boobs I had better be a house wife. Set up reeeeeeeeeeeeal nice in a mountain side mansion that looks out over my pool, pool boy and city landscape.)

And yes I'm sure there are other categories of boobs, there must be cause I don't even fit in those categories.
But you know, once a year or maybe more depending on what's playing. I find myself strolling on down to the opera.
A wonderful place, I like it very much but few will ever go with me.

And I take my seat and applaud for the conductor and wait.
And never am I let down!
MY BREASTS ARE MEANT TO BE OPERA SINGERS!

Not that I am really meant to be an opera singer but hot damn my tatas are!
I have what I like to think of as shelf breasts.
The kind of boobs that when placed in the right bra appear as though there is a wooden plank coming out from my ribcage and my boobs were just nicely placed upon it to look pretty.
Similar to the presentation of female leads in most operas that take place in an interesting time period. Heaving bosoms and the likes.
So yes.
That is my destiny.
...or their destiny.

WTF SHAW!

Not Shaw the playwright of course, though I'm not a huge fan of his work, he can live.
Shaw Cable!
There's something wrong with a company that takes no efforts to ensure the happiness of their customers and knowingly rips them off!

So I think we can all agree that Shaw Cable is a very well off company, probably billions of people, or at least thousands go to them for tv, internet, the other shit they do that no one normal knows about.

SO NOW WHY DON'T THEY HAVE AN AUTOMATED MAILING SYSTEM TO KEEP THEIR DAMN CUSTOMERS IN THE LOOP!

Fuck shaw.

I know you have my email address, you email me a bill every month telling me what the next months payment is going to be.
WHY!
In the last email before a contract is about to end and shoot your bill up 3 times the cost CAN'T YOU SEND ANOTHER EMAIL, or hell IN THAT SAME GOD DAMN EMAIL! A little memo saying hey. your plan is about to expire. Did you want to pay 70$ next month? I know you were on the student plan and will soon be a poorer version of the you that came in 8 months ago, would you like something cheaper!?
BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Assholes. And apparently I can't just up and cancel my internet. Nope. they need 30 days notice so
NO
MATTER
WHAT!
They still get 70$ for the month of may when I won't even be using the damn internet because I won't live in this basement sweet anymore.
Fuckers.

And then. You know!
When your only Victoria location MOOOOOOOVES!
BECAUSE IT WAS IN A FUCKING INCONVENIENT LOCATION!
wouldn't it be just common courtesy, even if the majority of your users just click delete, to email all those mentioned with Victoria addresses a little
Oh hey we'll be moving up the hill into that much more conveniently located shiny shopping center right next to the bus stop.
SO EASY!
Langham Court can do it and they're a non-profit, practically completely volunteer run community theatre!
YOU'RE AN INTERNATIONAL PROVIDER! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so mad. Can you tell.
Well.
Let me continue.

So I hate walking.
More than most.
Walking really really really freaking sucks!
But the OLD! Shaw location used to be on Blanshard, this one way street that only busses to the ferry drive on but don't stop any where near Shaw.
So I get off at the top of the hill. and I walk down the veeeeeeeeeeeery long hill to the Shaw building. (bout 5 minute walk and it's hot)
And I find the Shaw building....oh yeah says SHAW ALLLLLLLLLL OVER IT!
It also says RELOCATED TO UPTOWN!!!!

So I about face.

And walk back up the hill, IN THE SUN! uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. so maybe 15 minutes uphill later. I reach THE UPTOWN
And then I walk up 4 flights of stairs because Shaw is on the FOURTH FLOOR!
and of course everyone in the shaw store is smiling and super nice and happy

And I can't even bring myself to be angry and the perky blonde girl because I'm exhausted and sweating!!
Even though she told me I'd still have to pay for May.
Unbelievable!

So I decided I deserved a milkshake. Partly because fuck weight loss and partly because Milkshakes are fucking delicious.
But of course.
McDicks was cleaning their ice cream machine.
And the world continued to hate me.
So I went to work.

The end.