Resolution Check Up

Yeah yeah I know I haven't posted the last day of my oregon trip yet but I'm angry and I'm drunk so I'm currently DRANGRY!!
Let's see how this post goes.

How you doing world!? 

I just thought I'd check in on you and your resolutions because you know, and if you didn't know! 

IT'S FEBRUARY 1ST TODAY!

Yes that means you're going into the second month of the new year and your resolution I hope is still going strong.

But you know pessimistic me.

I'm pretty darn doubtful that you're still on that bandwagon.

Look at me.

This morning I found out I've lost 20 pounds in 2 months

and now I'm fucking wasted on my living room floor writing this post.

(alcohol is chockerblock full of calories if yall weren't aware and were still trying to lose weight)

Yes I have a glass now and then but nothing like this. but I think I deserve this.

My rage is just soooo prominent it couldn't be denied.

I might even order food still.

Why not. It's not even 7 

THE NIGHT IS YOUNG!

But this post isn't about me. 

It's about you.

Your resolutions.

How you doing?
(And keep in mind I think resolutions are just setting yourself up for failure)

It's interesting how I can tell people are failing their resolutions.

January 4th. I was walking myself up to Royal Oak for the weekly sunday mosey that's about 40 minutes point A to B and then I have to go back. Bleh.

But on this January 4th (I'm not actually sure that was the day) It was a Sunday

A giant mob of neon colored runners went by me! 

Yeeeeess I thought to myself. There are all those resolutioners. Off to a good start on their goals to lose weight.

I nodded stepped aside and allowed them all to flock pass. It was quite a sight.

The next week. 

About half the number I came across. (20)  

And I thought hmmmm. maybe they run different routes every sunday. who knows

don't be so negative of other humans! at least they're trying.

BUT

as January dragged on. the number of people I encounter out walking twindle and twindle.

February 1st and we're pretty much back to the normal amount of runners as there was in Novemeber.

Now and then I see a new face and I'm like Koodos resolutioner! You got this.

But to the rest of yall that have decided to watch The Biggest Loser at home on the couch and feel better about yourselves by thinking man I'm so much better than those fattasses. 

I hope you walk by a mirror real soon and see for yourself the failure you've inflicted.

At least they're trying. 

Though in some totally insane weightloss competition which I don't believe is healthy at all.

I mean I'd love to lose 10 pounds every week but I know that an average of 2 is something to be proud of!

TAKE THE SMALL VICTORIES!!!!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Put down that cheesecake! Throw out that fondue! AND GET ON UP GET ON UP!!! (AVPS if you don't know what I'm talking about)

Also something that has really helped me is just walking with music.

I'm a very emotional person. 

I'm full of thoughts.

And sometimes it's really hard to keep yourself in line.

Go for a walk. Think it out. Breathe the fresh air.

Listen to Fall Out Boy! Seriously.

You'll feel great.

So if you've given up already.

I hope you can find the strength to keep going.

Next time you're walking up a hill instead of thinking about this steep incline in front of you.

Think about that cow at work you're always covering for. Curb stomp her with every step up that hill!

YOU GOT THIS!!!

 

Peace and Love

The Sassafrass

The Last Piece of Cheese Cake

I just dropped my last piece of cheese cake.
No that's not a metaphor
It legit just happened
But as it was happening on this day which has been the release of 3 weeks of awful I thought to myself....how fucking cliche are you you stupid piece of cake!
For the last 3 weeks, since basically the day I got back I have been enraged.
By my people in the Phoenix, by my school work, by my friends.
Not to toot my own horn but I do a shit ton of shit for that god damn apartment and just once in a while I would like a thank you and a well done not a
why are you so upset?
Can you do this on top of all that
I saw those messages you sent out asking me to do my job but I ignored them and pissed around over here for a while.

People wonder why I drink so much!? It's cause of the fucking incompetency! The blatant rudeness of my peers! The sheer inconsiderateness of the people whom I am supposed to trust and call friends!
Which leads to me trusting no one. When I can't even trust you to make a simple facebook post, there is a serious problem. It's not hard. You're already on facebook all the time!!

What I need is to get out of the phoenix once in a while, but i have no time to get out of the Phoenix because there's all this god damn stuff that needs to get done IN the Phoenix or with Phoenix people!!!

So yeah, i've been angry for 3 weeks. I've been called ridiculous and ignored by my teachers. I've had outrageous expectations put upon me by my peers and yes some of the things I did ask to do! Those are the things I want to do. I don't want to be signed up for things involuntarily just thrown about willy nilly. I have a freaking analysis to write that I have hardly started.
The past 2 weekends I have just gotten shit face drunk because I don't want to deal with things. It's not healthy I know this but I don't see things getting easier so I don't stop.

And alllllllllll of this accumulated, all of this anger and frustration and axiety until last night Aurora and I got drunk and watched Tangled on a sunday night. We both had classes this morning. We knew it but we drank anyways and had perogies and things seemed to be alright. I went to directing and my teacher wasn't a flaming ball of douche and I thought how refreshing. I went to musical history and we watched Al Jolson in blackface and though everyone was a little awkward because I'm the only black kid in the room I was like eh it's fine, he's pretty believable I'm not offended don't be offended and we all got over it.
Then we waited and we sat through the break and we went to Singing for the Stage where once again Josh was just the epitome of rude to me and to the theatre students and I thought for fucks sake. This kid is fucking insane and disruptive like he will get up in the middle of the class and walk off somewhere!! Usually when one of us is talking.
And then I've got this first year who's like he doesn't really hate all of us and I'm like fuck you child. If he hates the fourth years he hates you it doesn't matter if you get private singing lessons with the teacher or not.
And then my teacher was handing back our essays which I knew mine was rude. He told us to write it in "our" style. Had it been write an essay it would have been formal and acceptable but he said my style so I wrote how I think. Which doesn't come off well on paper and I knew it but I didn't give a single fuck because why would I want to research this person for a class that is causing me strife after I've been told I'm ridiculous and know nothing by a teacher I once respected.
So an hour of tears and anger and yelling about Josh which as far as I'm concerned is just my teacher refusing to take control of the situation. We're "adults" we should be able to handle things. But what is an "adult"? No one ever changes. 4 years of university and working in jobs. There's always gossip, bitching, someones always not going to get along and they may not act like an "adult"! It's just a fact of life.
I don't know if anything got fixed in that but I didn't go to smutco. I let them figure it out.
I cried, I felt better, I think I left my teacher enormously confused and then I went to a lovely dinner with my comfort family.
Monday night,
Comfort food,
Good people

And things seemed pretty good. I looked at everything that had happened today and leading up to it and just thought
fuck it.
What can I do.

So today as I was choosing to eat the last piece of this cheese cake over opening a bottle of wine and I don't know I guess I turned to fast trying to balance the plastic tray.
Then of course I tried to hit it as it was falling to the floor
I just thought.
Yup,
This is fucking life.
You can't eat an entire cheese cake without having a couple bumps and tumbles along the way.
Sometimes it sucks and you can't stop it from splattering all over the ground
But you have the choice to give up and leave it there or scrape it back onto the plate and finish what you started.
And I'm just fat enough to choose scraping it back onto the plate and continue on eating it, dirt and all.

My Love is too Beautiful to Have Thrown Back in My Face

This post will not be happy because I am not happy.
It happens.
No, it's not because February is the month of depression. It's not because February is 'Black History Month' (which is bullshit I don't need brought up). It's not because I have to turn 21 in a week.
It's partly because of this movie For Colored Girls which is based off of this choreopoem play. I thought I knew pain before this movie but watching it feels like the slow tearing of your soul. Is it because I'm black that I can relate to this? No I don't think so because if you've read my other posts about my interactions with other black people you've probably picked up that I'm seriously white washed in many ways.
Something about women struggling, loss, abuse. It gets me.
If we're honest, this is the kind of thing I would have watched and then called Alfred over because I was in such a ridiculous state of sobbing...and he would have stood there going omg what do I do but with ice cream...
So I caved today and bought my own ice cream. I wasn't going to. I haven't bought ice cream since before christmas because it was egg nog flavored and I could not pass up that opportunity!
But yeah, I miss Alfred I guess. Which probably shouldn't be new info. Just a lot of things have happened in the course of a week. Just the craziest things that 1-make no sense, 2-shouldn't happen, 3-I have no desire to deal with.
So naturally I've been ignoring...most of these things.
One thing I'll tell you about I could not ignore.
My friend has been insisting that I go on a date with this guy from her office for sometime and since I no longer hang out with Alfred she decided it was time for a little blind date...and I guess I ran out of excuses not to.
He was a very nice guy, nice that he has an actual job, nice that he has his own place, and his own friends...but I still don't date. Nor do I want to. Which of course was really awkward to explain but he seemed to have taken it alright...my friend's definitely going to kill me though when she finds out. Hopefully she doesn't find out for a few days.
Luckily I still have Sergei, which you know I just realized I have never told you about. He is my best guy/gay friend, not that that's how I should identify my friends to people but...it's easiest...Jude would kill me if she knew. Anyways I'll call him Sergei because he's super into all things British and his regal ancestry but he was also Russian and very proud of that as well. Sergei seems Russian and regal so it'll do I think. Anyways, we've been hanging out because he's come to his senses recently and doesn't want to go into poli sci but is going back to Calgary next year so he's just taking whatever courses right now which means he has plenty of free time to spend with me...where we drink, gossip, and watch Poireaux (the agatha christie detective, it's super good) Saturday night was a friend's birthday so we got suuuuuuuper drunk and I ate a fondue bowl of chocolate. No regrets, chocolate is the best. And then my lovely boy made me food the next morning, just perfect.
So I guess I'm not totally miserable, still miserable but things have the potential to look up. I just have to stop watching this movie because I've watched it twice now and just thinking about it get's me crying. Like in the lobby today talking to this first year. She's all like 'omg do you need a hug' and I'm like 'no man I got this I just have to stop thinking about it' ...so I try not to think about it in public.
Walking around my house and sobbing profusely is safe though.
But really I just wanted to write this blog to thank the people I love and who are there for me, even the ones that don't realize they're there for me. I love you and thank you.

How To Drink Tons and Not Die

Well hello there internet.
In all honesty, I have no idea how one makes it through a night of drinking without dying or serious injury. True there are many who don't make it through the night and many who do and I am fortunate to be one of those who do....for several nights in a row.
Which is basically all I've been doing, what I was doing in my last 2 posts but I think we need a sober recap of the more important events on those nights.
December 6th! Twas my friend, Shenanigads birthday
She is a history major so we met at her house with many smart historical types and drank and played Cards Against Humanity which is like a more bad ass version of Apples to Apples. And we watched her get inducted/baptized in the traditional Dutch way to become a worthy owner of the Dutch card game Dutch Blitz....it was very strange but we supported her and were proud to have seen her come so far.
December 7th! SMUTCo PARTY!!
Smutco stands for Student Musical Theater Company which basically means of people who really really love musicals and are denied any form of singing in the Phoenix so they started their own club so each year they can do a review of sorts of their favorite songs. This year were doing classics like Cell Block Tango and America as well as new goodness like Let Me Be Your Star, 96,000 and other solo/mash ups. It's super awesome and we had a party for just us members but lots of people were already gone because it's exam week. But Lord Chase and myself were drinking heartily. It twas then decided that we be new best drinking buddies! After I was walking home and i thought I would take this shortcut that leads to a road with the same name as my road but they don't connect so I got lost. I was walking along and I saw this guy go sprinting across the road in front of me so I took out my pocket knife just in case...don't want to die. And he goes sprinting back across the road and sits in his car....it was creepy but he paid no notice to me and didn't stalk me home so I think he was a delivery guy...even though it was like 1 in the morning....
December 8th I took a little rest. It's hard being drunk so much.
December 9th! Alfred and I were together again!
After a very long day of work in the library Alfred brought me along to his friend Michael's birthday party...I've met him like twice....not awkward.
But before we could get there however I had a long bout of nose bleeding. It was awful and I never get them so I had no idea what to do! And his friend Pat, driving us there, wouldn't let me in the car until it stopped! It wasn't good. I just lied face down in the parking lot until it stopped because the pavement was cold. Not a good start....BUT THEN! I met this guy Nick while I was there and we were both drunk and we got into this massive conversation about Egg Nog and how freaking fantastic it is and all her friends always disagree! Turns out he had egg nog!...at his house....like a 20 minute walk away.
Now I hope you're all smarter than me and would never follow a random stranger you met at a party away from your friends because he promised you egg nog...it was no wise. But luck was with me and he was not a rapist! Just a friendly drunk who had egg nog. So we walked all the way to his house which was a fair distance and all the way back. Without a coat of course because drunks can't be bothered with trivial matters....got back to the party about 5am...it was definitely winding down. Luckily Alfred was still there,, quite worried that I had run off somewhere without my things and with some random guy but happy enough to see I wasn't dead.
Took some time off then...thought I might study for my writing exam but I didn't.
December 13th! WRITING EXAM!
So Lord Chase and I planned to go drinking after this exam and it's a good thing we did because it was a very bad exam. It called for shots. So we climb up mount Tolmie, get our glow sticks on start drinking. Are super drunk on the top of this mountain looking out at Victoria lights. We decide to get pizza and start walking back but instead of getting pizza from the caf, it's like 9:30, we order from this Beer and More to you door thing because His Lordship decides we need more alcohol, I was not opposed.
But we ordered wine....and I don't like wine...I can't drink it it's just so gross! But he insists we get a magnum...which when I ordered I thought was a brand or type....but it's a size!

A VERY LARGE BOTTLE OF WINE!!! ...and I still don't like wine...I ended up mixing it with pepsi to drink...cause I'm just so classy! It was also Antonio's birthday today so at midnight we sent him an e-card of our faces.

And possibly the silliest idea we had all night...was making a video for Jennifer Lawrence to tell her how much we love her....

Yes it was a solid night to be had....could have died I was so drunk but alas. Here I am still on earth and not even hung over!
Luck is my friend.
So how should you drink tons and not die?
Step 1: Drink all your alcohol really fast right away! You get super drunk super quick but as the night goes on you work it off so that by the time your ready for bed you're only slightly tipsy! (does not work for everyone)
Step 2: Drink with your friends! At least then, even if you're both super freaking wasted some one else will be there in the case of your death....
Perhaps step 2 should have been choose trustworthy friends to drink with....I trust my friends enough to call 911 before running off and hiding in the bushes.
Step 3: Tell someone where you are! (have you noticed these steps have no specific order?)
I always let someone know where I am. My drunk texting has become much worse though this year and I often hit 6 letters at once on my blackberry so it doesn't always work but as long as someone knows your drinking it's a good start.
I tried to tell Antonio about going for egg nog with Nick, and when I turned down the wrong street and got lost on the night of Smutco party but all he said was don't die and don't stab anyone not very helpful or sympathetic.
So maybe he isn't the best to tell.
I try to tell Aurora, if she's awake she's pretty good at deciphering or being worried which is always appreciated. I think she probably just sits there laughing and my incomprehensibleness.
Sometimes I text Gumpette about the cool things.
And generally Alfred knows in advance that I'm going out.
other than that sometimes I text who ever is near the top of my contacts list...like Pamela the other night...didn't tell her where I was or that I was drunk just that I loved her a lot.

These are the keys that I can give you.
If you wake up not dead then I can tell you to drink water. Eat salty things...or just hope there's food in your house....during show weeks there is never any food in my house. It's a shame.
Well good luck to all of you still writing exams, happy living to all of those who aren't.

I'll Take Rage Quit for -10,000$

What up world?
You don't have to answer that. I've pretty much reached the end of my limited ability to care about people.
Yeah that last passive aggressive post failed, naturally the side of "you don't believe in relationships so you don't understand" was taken. It's such a pathetically ignorant side but I have no control of others.
And that's really the point of this blog post. I don't know how many times my father has told me that I get to emotionally invested in other people's lives, I care too much, I try to hard to make them understand and make everyone happy and it makes me miserable!
I am miserable! Is that fair? No.

So I'm not going to care about those people anymore. (at least until the rest of term) Because there is nothing I can do if they don't listen, they will continue to be bad people anyways, they will continue to be bad friends to me and I don't deserve that. I deserve people that are going to tell me the truth, whom I can have confidence in telling my secrets. I can count 3, sometimes 4 people whom I fully trust because I know they're not going to tell everyone in the Phoenix something or I know that they have the same opinion on humans as I do.
Humans are freaking stupid! Everyone is so desperate to be liked! WHY!? To rack up your facebook friends? Get over yourself. You should count yourself blessed to have 1 good friend over 10 friends who have known you less than a year who aren't even that nice about you when your back is turned.
And it's these friends that I have that drive me to insanity like this. Every year! Well I'm over it.
If you're going to ask me why I'm upset and you already know but you don't want to hear it again then DON'T ASK! I'm not demanding that you do. Of course if you're those poor people in grocery stores who ask because it's polite I answer truthfully just to make you feel uncomfortable. You're expecting 'good' or 'fine' not an epic retelling of how dreadful I'm feeling and am back to buy more drugs in hopes that my body will sort itself out.
I'm very busy people. If I don't interest you don't bother with me. I have an essay that's going no where because I know nothing on musicals. I have a play that makes no sense and my writing TA will tell me it sucks in a week, I know this. I wouldn't go see it.
I can't even figure out any of my scheduling for December!
Maybe I just won't come back next term. My father did it. He's strongly convinced I will too. Think of all the money I don't have that I could save! Yes dropping out of school after I fail this history course sounds like a grand idea.
And on top of that, I'm still sick! My left nostril has decided to become permanently blocked and it's messing with my other sinuses! I have this constant pressure against my left eye. I feel like one of those ugly goldfish with a giant tumor eye and suddenly one day I'll just die because my eye explodes...I can't wait. I hope it happens before my final exams so I don't have to go through them.
And if I do by chance die and you're reading this I won't be having a funeral, tell my mother to take my remains to mexico.
How am I still alive you ask?
Easy! EGG NOG!
Basically yeah, I have egg nog ice cream it is freaking delicious.
I have egg nog for drinking so I drink it and then I put it in my coffee and I drink it some more. Egg nog lattes for breakfast. Basically the only way to get me out of bed for writing in the morning....which reminds me I need to find my iclicker.
And I need to go to bed...and stop listening to Taylor Swift (That'll be my next post). And stop listening to Miss Saigon.
I think the high light of today was watching the King and I! SO GOOD!
If I were going to marry a man I would marry The King of Siam, maybe Yul Brynner but I'd probably die from second hand smoke cancer since apparently he never stopped smoking.
I know I know, "but Cecilly, you wouldn't have any rights, you'd be a slave, you'd probably never even see him!" MEH! I would be so spoiled, providing I was a wife in favor, I'd get nice clothes, and food and sure I'd have a couple dozen kids. Don't even care as long as I got to do whatever I want all the other times. "But Cecilly, don't you want him to be yours and yours only?" Lols no, too much work.
There are so many good lines in the play like this one which I find relevant to this topic.

Anna-“How do you explain the fact that many men remain faithful to one wife”
King- “They are sick”

This is a man who knows what he's talking about!
And now I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll be lucky and the world will end early.

mmmm Just Perfect!

Roses are Red, Poems Suck!

Priscilla has made it quite clear how discontent she is that I have no been posting more frequently....It's like the girl's never heard of homework...
Though let's be honest I don't really have homework mostly just poetry!
My feeling on poetry is that if it doesn't rhyme you might as well just write a short story...unfortunately my beliefs don't rule the class syllabus so I actually have to write poetry...that doesn't rhyme...because apparently I suck at that....joy....
Whatever! I want to write plays! Poetry is for the faint hearted! Take that Emily Dickinson!
So we wrote drafts for these poems and got feed back and basically everything that I had wanted in my poems the T.A. told me I was crazy, my poem was bad and no I couldn't make my poems about the things I wanted them to be about.....so....write new poems?
I went to my actual teacher for some advice. One of them it made sense I was like ok I can do that....the other one in which I really wanted to portray the ocean as a kidnapper like with the undertow and stuff was apparently a cliche connection. I needed to turn this ocean into a sexual predator....and then somewhere hint in the poem that the child's step father sexually abuses her....
HAS ANYONE EVER WRITTEN A HAPPY POEM BEFORE!?!
I mean come on! All through high school poems were depressing, stories were depressing, if people weren't dying it wasn't going to be a best seller! I thought we could leave that behind in university...not that kidnapping is very happy but it's not as bad as such blatant ridiculousness!

 I'm going to have a BF! (I've wanted to make White Chick references all week but no one ever gets them anymore!)
And I have to mentor the second mainstage this weekend/week! That's like 24 hours of my life and crucial homework time gone! I'm never going to get that back especially since a whole whack of stuff is due wednesday but all Saturday I'll be at the theater, then work, and then Sunday my work thought they were helping since I couldn't do my usual wednesday shift with this show they put me on Sunday afternoon too....I'm just going to lock myself in my house...Maybe I'll let Alfred come.
It's weird because I go for what seems like weeks without seeing him (that's what happens when you're in brain sciences and you're graduating this year) and then he comes over 2 days in a row.
Oh right I guess I should mention that it was Halloween this week, people that are reading in other countries I don't know if you have this ridiculous day. We in Canada/ America dress up as things and eat candy.

I was Sebastian from the Little Mermaid. --->

Our costumes were pretty spot on. Aurora was Ariel. She bought a spanx and sewed fabric shells onto her boobs and Priscilla was Flounder. We were the best....and yet we didn't win of the costume contests....But most importantly Alfred washed my dishes and cleaned up my couch in the living room! Wasn't that nice since all my spare time is spent writing blogs that I don't have time to keep my house clean...and the rest of that time is spent drunk at Halloween parties. 

Whatever, tis a good life. He's still my BGFF (Best Guy Friend Forever) which I have to specify because Priscilla used to get upset when I would call him my BFF because apparently that's reserved forever....pft these kids just assuming their my favorites. Story of my life!!!

Let's be honest I gave him the fake name Alfred so that one day I could apply Batman/ Alfred pictures to my life. This is basically us!

Anyways in all seriousness I need to get in a depressed mode to write these dark creepy poems!

Ciao mi lovelies!<3

PS: the one who looks like Tintin still hasn't called, I think I'm safe...though I might have seen him in the library the other day.....Eep!