POOPY LADY 2012!

Alright kiddies,
I will now impart upon you the struggles of being a front of house manager. I hope you're comfortable.

Let's start with yesterday when I survived 'Poopy Lady', the nickname of possibly the most troublesome Phoenix patron....I suppose I have to tell you how she got the nickname....

WELL!! A long very long time ago she came to see a show. Now she is a very old woman, should not be driving but she does and I have yet to hear any reports of her killing people. This lady has really really really bad arthritis. Her hands barely moved and her fingers are all curled inwards so she can't really pick anything up. So one day all those years ago she arrived late to a show (She is always late even though the shows have always started at 8) and she insisted that she must go to the bathroom.
From there we are a little lost as to the events but we assume that she did not actually sit down on the toilet but sort of squatted and went to the bathroom....but she missed and there was poop all over the floor. Naturally a terribly embarrassing incident but she tried to remedy it but picking it off the floor....only to kind of smear it around the stall instead because her hands don't work properly.
All speculation mind you we have no idea what truly happened other than a stall covered in poop was discovered shortly later.
So we seated this woman and started the show but all these people kept coming out and complaining about the smell in the theater. Turns out there was poop all down her pants and she wreaked. she got it all over the theater seat as well and they had to like steam dry clean it or something I don't really know of the story behind the seat.
Thus giving her the name, Poopy Lady. Remember this did not happen to me thank goodness!

However last night, it is 8 pm and the stage manager is just doing her last minute call when i see this very slow moving mass coming towards me from the parking lot....I JUST NOW IT IS HER! and as they got closer IT WAS! I had this second year shadowing me, she was kind of excited...that changed fast.
So they're already late, then she can't find her ticket because her hands don't work and she's kind of just scooping things out of her purse. And then her friend, who's not a very good friend just abandons her and runs off to sit down! This woman moves at about snail speed, that is not exaggerating that is fact!
I've got my ushers helping her into the theater and she's hacking! (well like quiet hacking but a soft equivalent of death) and she's spitting up into these napkins! We just make it to the theater door and she's like "I need more napkins!" and i'm like oh god! So I send my usher to get more paper towel from the bathroom and I begin helping her down the steps to her seat. WHY IS THIS WOMAN IN THE FRONT FREAKING ROW! Because her friend likes it there of course! Just freaking rude, no consideration for anyone else.
So I finally get her down and into the seat, hand her more tissue and start the show. Only 10 minutes late which is good considering most of her incidents start 20 minutes late.
All is well I count everything, all adds up I'm happy. Show gets out everyone is happy I am happy.....then stage management comes on the headsets asking for a manager to come into the theater and check on this woman. One of my ushers comes running out and is all freaked out by this woman who appears to be dying. I think to myself "HELL NO! If she's going to pick today to die! I'm bringing Sandra (boss lady) with me!" So I do. She's not dying.....just coughing and spitting everywhere.
They insist that they don't want the rest of their seats for the season changed they just enjoy causing trouble in the theater. And then PL insists on stopping to eat some chocolate to help her cough....that's not how it works crazy!
Takes about 20 minutes to get her out of the theater alone, and we're doing a sweep when the girl I've been mentoring comes up and tells me that there's a pile of wet napkins where she was sitting and a really wet cloth......NOOOOOO! GROSS!!! But there's literally no one else I can get to do it!
So I had to go into concession, grab some gloves and a plastic bag and go clean up this drool mess!
I. WANTED. TO. BARF! it was just awful, thank god it didn't smell or anything but like SERIOUSLY! That's not acceptable! Stay home! You shouldn't be driving anyways!
Then I came home and cried because I had no milk (Alfred drank it all) and I was scarred for life by the feeling of wet, squishy dish cloths.

Then of course tonight, Clark Kent once again failed to become Superman and decided to just not show up. SIGH! Unimpressed! Along with discovering other problems where Antonio messed up! And then I ended up with 5 dollars over the amount we should have had. But I'm pretty sure we'll find it tomorrow. I really shouldn't have put Mr. Kent's replacement in the concession, she's just not all there in the head.
Oh well.

I'm super tired and Alfred brought me more milk so I'm just going to have hot chocolate, a message and watch Shrek. Then to bed I go!
Love you followers
Night.

Clark Kent is Super...RUDE!

Alright peeps so I've got a story for you about the rudeness in the youth of today. (And I think the fact that I'm takin the time to type it out on my iPod at Alfred's house just furthers the obviousness of how importance this all is. Also if you have an issue with my spelling mistakes take them else where. )
HERE WE GO!
So I'm once again working the alumni show at the Phoenix (working isn't really the correct term as its really for a class) but anyways I am front of house which means I deal with the theatre lobby and the patrons. It's a pretty goo and short show so it was really all easy no worries UNTIL THIS GIANT BAG OF SUCK WAS PLACED ON MY USHER SQUAD!
I have met this kid twice before, never had a problem, seemed decent but as my usher he is a jerk!
So one of the teachers calls him Clark Kent because he kinda looks like him( for those of you going what the heck. That's Superman's normal human name) but this kid does not deserve to be allied with he greatness that is Superman!
So we do an usher tour and on the tour around all the rules are laid it and we tell them what they're supposed to wear(black bottoms). And this kid in the tour asks why if we don't have black bottoms and I'm like "get a pair for 5 dollars at value village" he's like I'm poor. I laugh "I am 3 times more poor than you and I can buy a 5 dollar skirt you can buy pants." To be fair I also gave him the option of going to the costume people and begging for pants (pretty nice of me since wardrobe people hate ushers)
TUESDAY NIGHT: 1st preview show
This little rat shows up in grey dress pants and I'm just staring NO! GAPING at him like what the heck! And he has the audacity to say "you said dress pants"
BLACK! BLACK DRESS PANTS! So I send him to costume to get this fixed only to find out there is no wardrobe for this show.
Now this all really could have been avoided if the child, knowing he didn't have black pants, had just signed up for parking shifts where you can wear whatever you want! But no he signed up for all programs which is the shortest shift but is also the one where grey pants are most obvious! So we put him behind juice bar switch some people up.
I wish that had been the end but OH NO! So i set up with my dear friend, I once called her her real name I'm going to call her Pricilla here from now on though she might kill me. So I introduces them cause she works in costume shop so that he could get him some pants. We set it all up everything was good and he's like oh by the way I dot have that class I said I have tomorrow and Priscilla's like whatever just make sure you show up.....does he?
OF COURSE NOT!
So Wednesday:2nd preview night.
I forgot my phone at home when I went over to my fellow manager's house to prepare for the reception on Thursday.( we will call my partner Antonio, I was going to call him Steve but I knew he would take offence as we now have hundreds of jokes about this imagined guy named Steve)
So Antonio and I arrive at the theatre to set things up and get ready but Pricilla is there all like "hey gurl hey why no answer your phone when I text?" And hen she proceeds to explain to me about mr Kent who was too freaking good to show up at costume stock that morning at the allotted time and that the costume people are in an uproar over the whole thing and to send him over when he shows up in grey pants and I say "ok"
Kid shows up 5 minutes before his shift in BLACK PANTS! And I know he didn't get them from costume so I am just freaking livid! I'm all "where did ou get those?!"
He's "they're my suit pants"
I'm "why didn't you wear those yesterday?"
he says "because they're blue".
Honestly readers I could not tell these pants were blue. I would have to hold a flash light up to the fabric at the right angle or pull the threads out to tell that these freaking pants were blue! Try looked black! In the dim lobby lights they looked like black freaking pants! AND WHY when you have such dark blue pants would you wear GREY ONES!
So I'm just ready to lose it. But I don't guys and I think if you know me I deserve a round of applause for that one. I'll wait....*wild admiring applause*
So I say to this kid "why didn't you show up at costume?"
His completely unacceptable response:"I was sleeping!"
NO! So I start telling him why what he did was wrong and why he has to respect the costume hours and he just turns away and says "whatever stop giving me 'tude" and walks away....
I wanted to murder him, throw things, scream but I did not! I turned to Antonio and tell him to deal with this child I can not be near him. Anty's a pretty chill laid back guy and he's all no problem all over it! And this rude child totally respects him, does what he's told no problem! But is a total jerk to me! I don't even know!
So 8pm the show is supposed to start. We've got people buying last minute tickets and I'm suppose to cue the marketing kid for his speech. I'm making sure with the Parking ushers that no one is coming AND SUPERMAN HAS DECIDED IT'S TIME TO GO!
I lose it ( not in a violent way though more in a simmering volcanic explosion way). This kid is takin off his usher uniform in the lobby, patrons are still in the lobby! I go over and I'm like "what do you think you're doing?l
"It's 8pm I'm off shift"
So I lay it out for him. The fact that he's a first year, this is a mandatory thing he has to do to pass and while he's an usher he is under our command until we let him off for the night.
AND THIS BAG OF FLAMING FIERY DOUCH SAYS! "I have priorities outside of the Phoenix" he is not even looking at me he is being so rude, rolling his eyes.
I wil admit, my hand twitched. I wanted to beat him down so hard but I did not instead I turned
"ANTONIO!"
"Yes?"
"Deal with this kid!"
I go off to seat patrons and take care of getting he house closed leaving Antonio with jerk face
He takes one look t the situation says "put your vest back on"
DONE! Kid does it no complaints!!
We sorted everything else I counted everything Antonio dealt with the ushers and all was well...
Of course this kid couldn't leave without a snarky comment of how opinionated I am which yeah in real life I freaking am! But with him I'm just doing my job!
We also found out later that those outside priorities were frat related(yeah uvic has like one super lame frat) and I hope he was late and I hope they beat him up or punished him for it.
So, that's what I've been dealing with this week as well as super little sleek and a shit ton of baking for the reception last night that went really well.
Reasons for this child's douchiness as contributed by my fellow students include him being:
Racist
Sexist
Has mommy issues
Is a spoiled brat who was never spanked
Is just a boy (child please, this kid is 19)
He's of age in Canada so he has all the power now.


They go on but I think the top 4 are the most likely reasons.
Sigh whatever I don't have to see him for a week! And if he's still an ass then I'm probably just going to send him home with negative hours!
It should also be noted that all the other ushers are so nice and loving and do whatever I say that I have no problems with them.
Hooray!
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