Pride and Prejud-ex?

What up world!
I know shame on me! I have not posted in such a terribly long time....though it doesn't seem so terribly long on this blog thing but I feel like weeks have gone by I've been so busy at school....ugh school!
And no this is not another blog about how stupid and childishly rude Matt is. I just thought the title might amuse Miss Priscilla.
As we were walking to the dreaded french class, in which I am supposed to draw comparisons between french people and the normal world (which is quite difficult as they do try their darnedest not to be above normal humans), I noticed the sad one walking towards us. I do think the only way he'll be able to walk past me on his own is if he suddenly loses his sense of sight or if I disguise myself as a white man. Anyways, I'm sure you can guess what happened. As per usual, he saw me quickly turned sideways and RAN! So unskilled, he really needs to learn how to just melt into a crowd or something. But naturally I was offended once again, though I didn't yell his name like I swore I would, I just muttered about it and Priscilla! Oh the poor child wants to see Matt in action so terribly but alas he eyes were not on guard. Maybe next time Priscilla.
Oh lords, life has been so busy. I have been mentoring you see, the young tadpoles who must front of house manage the 2nd main stage. Tedious work I must say, though the show is quite enjoyable for Brecht  I can not say it has been going smoothly.
The first night of Previews the drink fridge alarm went off! It's one of those things that you learn about in 205 class but just pray and hope and swear that it won't happen to you. It has never happened to me but they filled up the cooler very full. I asked "does the door shut properly?" "yes" was the reply....10 minutes later I'm in the box office going over some things and this awful, very loud, high pitched, alarm goes off! AND YOU JUST KNOW IT'S THE FRIDGE!!!!
The problem is that you're not actually taught in the class what to do if the alarm goes off....so I tell the box office girl to call our teacher! The marketing woman runs out and says "I'll you have to do is lock it!" ....that is not going to help anything. I tell one of the girls I'm mentoring to take out the first row of cans so that it can close properly. Like 3 minutes of this awful sound before the theater production, boss, manager guy comes storming out of his office and smacks the defrost button on the top of the fridge to get it to stop....I swear to god he hates me, every time something goes wrong in front of house I'm the one there.....Tears!
So the next preview! Everything's going fine, it's mostly students, everyone is pleasant....The parking ushers radio in saying that this man's credit card is stuck in the parking machines....Now we have no control of the parking machines, campus security is in charge of all that none sense and when things go wrong you have to call an outside company to fix the machines and then we have to pay for that even though we don't get money from the machines.
So I go get this man and bring him to the Phoenix thinking he's a patron, he is not but he is an super mad douche bag!
I choose to ignore him and let him deal with campus security....BECAUSE THE FLOOR IN THE WOMAN'S WASHROOM HAS DECIDED TO BLOW UP! It's like the sewer water place and when too many toilets are flushing it has a little melt down and spits it up through the floor drain....it was awful!
All of this of course was forgiven by Opening Reception for which kids make food and decorate platters for audience. OOOOOOO and the PUNCH! Delicious!

But better than that is getting to take home the left over food! I'm currently still eating a spinach bread bowl as I write this and believe me it is super good! Yeah that very bowl in the picture.....life has never been so sweet.
And also it's now EGG NOG latte time at Starbucks which just makes everything freaking fabulous! and today I didn't have any classes and I had no reason to go to school so Alfred brought me one on his way home because I've been having FOH struggles. He knows this because for both previews I just went to his house afterwards and cried on his floor.....which he probably wasn't fond of because he's working on his very important projects and papers that will allow him to graduate this summer. (TEARS) But he didn't send me away! He gave me ice cream and nodded his head and sometimes mumbled mhm as I blubbered away on the floor.
He is definitely the greatest friend I could ever ask for! He doesn't even try to stop me from watching Pride and Prejudice though it's always on when he comes over and I'm sure he's tired of it....It's educational....whatever I couldn't live without him.
I think this post was actually really lame but whatever it's my blog so you can just deal.
WHAT!

Lord, Let Me Be A Call Girl

Hey Readers,
I'm going to make this super fast because Alfred is on his way, I haven't done dishes in like 4 days and I haven't seen him since....I feel like it's been 2 weeks....but that's probably a lie I can't keep track of the days.
....And about my last post...Yeah I was really drunk and when I said chail I meant jail but I think it was mostly understandable. And GUESS WHO ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK THE NEXT MORNING!? Clark Kent. Yeah bitches, I think I won that battle.
But let's talk about the real heart of the matter here...
World!
I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!!!

Ok so maybe not, I don't want to be all hopped up on drugs and skulking around back alley ways but like a high class escort, a courtesan, a call girl! A girl in high demand that people have to go through a selection process to have the privilege to be with ME!
I know, I know if Gnomiomy is reading this she is probably shaking her head in shame but it is more likely she has chosen to disregard my blasphemous tendencies. P. Bob is probably just laughing her ass off and will threaten me later to tell my dad when she next sees him at the gym. (Don't tell Ivor, he'll never be able to handle the truth about his little girl)
But seriously, I think my real inner whore started to come out at a friend's birthday party this summer when we were drunk on chatroulette. Everyone on chatroulette is either looking for boobs or 12 year old boys....looking for boobs. And then every now and then you get a group of girls who are just looking for guys who are looking for boobs so that they can scream and go to the next page. Seems like a perfectly useful website, what could go wrong....(I'm rolling my eyes)
Anyways, drunk me was all down for the boobs. Luckily P.Bob was not so down, saved me a few times. I still got a couple though.
Well low and behold, Cecilly actually gets drunk the other day. Yes I have drunk since returning to school but not like this. It was the Vodka shots I think! BLAME MY WHORISHNESS ON PRISCILLA! <--she wanted to do the vodka shots and it was her vodka so naturally it's all her fault.Yup!
Right so I was super drunk and I go for a walk with some guys who I plan to make my new best guy friends because they're soooo freaking awesome, I'll let them know one day of my plans. And I come back and this kid is sitting in a director's chair in the living room. Like one of those old, very uncomfortable, wood and cloth, high up chairs. And he just looks at me and says "Cecilly, Dance!"
Naturally I can not dance, I lack the ability to normal human dance but there is one kind of dance I can do...."I only know how to pole dance" I say. Naturally I think I have figured my way out of this, not that drunk me really cares. And then Antonio, who is just sitting on the floor with this second year girl!
"Just imagine there's a pole!"
And I did you guys, I could see the pole in my head, I knew a routine! We had just learned it in Dirty Dancing last week! I WAS GOING FOR IT!!
And then sober Cecilly (who, shhh, sounds a lot like Alfred) was like 'girl what do you think you're doing, you're in public and these people will remember this tomorrow!' and drunk Cecilly was like 'but' and sober Cecilfred was like 'just say no!'
....So I said no, be proud my Gnomikins! I did not make a fool of myself and I did not strip for the Phoenix!

I hit Antonio for it today, he's not even sorry! Said he would get me next time....great now I gotta watch my back. But there's a whole month before the next party.

So maybe I won't be a prostitute....though I bet I'd make fantastic money and I would never have to worry about paying for school or loan debt....
I guess I'll just have to suffice with putting on ridiculous, ill fitted shades of lipstick, watching Secret Diaries of a Call Girl and taking pole dancing classes.
C'est la vie.
Alfred and I are going to Willows Beach, rain already ruined my hair today, what's a little walk gunna do.

POOPY LADY 2012!

Alright kiddies,
I will now impart upon you the struggles of being a front of house manager. I hope you're comfortable.

Let's start with yesterday when I survived 'Poopy Lady', the nickname of possibly the most troublesome Phoenix patron....I suppose I have to tell you how she got the nickname....

WELL!! A long very long time ago she came to see a show. Now she is a very old woman, should not be driving but she does and I have yet to hear any reports of her killing people. This lady has really really really bad arthritis. Her hands barely moved and her fingers are all curled inwards so she can't really pick anything up. So one day all those years ago she arrived late to a show (She is always late even though the shows have always started at 8) and she insisted that she must go to the bathroom.
From there we are a little lost as to the events but we assume that she did not actually sit down on the toilet but sort of squatted and went to the bathroom....but she missed and there was poop all over the floor. Naturally a terribly embarrassing incident but she tried to remedy it but picking it off the floor....only to kind of smear it around the stall instead because her hands don't work properly.
All speculation mind you we have no idea what truly happened other than a stall covered in poop was discovered shortly later.
So we seated this woman and started the show but all these people kept coming out and complaining about the smell in the theater. Turns out there was poop all down her pants and she wreaked. she got it all over the theater seat as well and they had to like steam dry clean it or something I don't really know of the story behind the seat.
Thus giving her the name, Poopy Lady. Remember this did not happen to me thank goodness!

However last night, it is 8 pm and the stage manager is just doing her last minute call when i see this very slow moving mass coming towards me from the parking lot....I JUST NOW IT IS HER! and as they got closer IT WAS! I had this second year shadowing me, she was kind of excited...that changed fast.
So they're already late, then she can't find her ticket because her hands don't work and she's kind of just scooping things out of her purse. And then her friend, who's not a very good friend just abandons her and runs off to sit down! This woman moves at about snail speed, that is not exaggerating that is fact!
I've got my ushers helping her into the theater and she's hacking! (well like quiet hacking but a soft equivalent of death) and she's spitting up into these napkins! We just make it to the theater door and she's like "I need more napkins!" and i'm like oh god! So I send my usher to get more paper towel from the bathroom and I begin helping her down the steps to her seat. WHY IS THIS WOMAN IN THE FRONT FREAKING ROW! Because her friend likes it there of course! Just freaking rude, no consideration for anyone else.
So I finally get her down and into the seat, hand her more tissue and start the show. Only 10 minutes late which is good considering most of her incidents start 20 minutes late.
All is well I count everything, all adds up I'm happy. Show gets out everyone is happy I am happy.....then stage management comes on the headsets asking for a manager to come into the theater and check on this woman. One of my ushers comes running out and is all freaked out by this woman who appears to be dying. I think to myself "HELL NO! If she's going to pick today to die! I'm bringing Sandra (boss lady) with me!" So I do. She's not dying.....just coughing and spitting everywhere.
They insist that they don't want the rest of their seats for the season changed they just enjoy causing trouble in the theater. And then PL insists on stopping to eat some chocolate to help her cough....that's not how it works crazy!
Takes about 20 minutes to get her out of the theater alone, and we're doing a sweep when the girl I've been mentoring comes up and tells me that there's a pile of wet napkins where she was sitting and a really wet cloth......NOOOOOO! GROSS!!! But there's literally no one else I can get to do it!
So I had to go into concession, grab some gloves and a plastic bag and go clean up this drool mess!
I. WANTED. TO. BARF! it was just awful, thank god it didn't smell or anything but like SERIOUSLY! That's not acceptable! Stay home! You shouldn't be driving anyways!
Then I came home and cried because I had no milk (Alfred drank it all) and I was scarred for life by the feeling of wet, squishy dish cloths.

Then of course tonight, Clark Kent once again failed to become Superman and decided to just not show up. SIGH! Unimpressed! Along with discovering other problems where Antonio messed up! And then I ended up with 5 dollars over the amount we should have had. But I'm pretty sure we'll find it tomorrow. I really shouldn't have put Mr. Kent's replacement in the concession, she's just not all there in the head.
Oh well.

I'm super tired and Alfred brought me more milk so I'm just going to have hot chocolate, a message and watch Shrek. Then to bed I go!
Love you followers
Night.

My Poetic Week with Zombies and Books

Ola oi oi readers!
It's been almost a week since my last post, what blasphemy. And Priscilla is just super peeved at me for not posting because apparently she's my number one fan.
So I'm going to make a post though I have no idea where to start because so much stuff has gone down in the past week! Let's give it a go!
I'm just going to start with today and work backwards, maybe make more than one post, see how we do.
Well readers I guess I should start with the tragic news that I am in fact dead and my ghost has returned from the dead to give you this post.
Yes in motherland Victoria, where the earthquakes aim to kill we had an earthquake drill today. Unfortunately I was too busy spewing out every last fact I know about musicals from the 1700's-1960 in my commercial theater midterm. So due to the size of the quake, the 40 year old Phoenix building has been leveled, taking an entire class of hopeful historians with it. (Lies I would never want to waste my life reviewing archives of 1890 productions.)
It's not that much of a loss really. It just means that I won't have to edit the terrible poem I handed in for writing this morning.
WHY DO POEMS EXIST!?! I really feel like someone way back when was just a really bad story teller so he strung together a few images with rhymes and was like voila my piece d'existance! and every one was like c'est qoui ca? Ce n'est pas un histoire!
and this guy who of course was pretentious as all hell because he's a poet AND FRENCH! was like no no it's a poem! It's like a story but better!
And all the french went hmmmmmm...oui! J'accept!
Because the french, though critical are all accepting of anything that is wholly french. And yeah poetry is probably a Greek thing in actuality but if the french are good at it they will claim it as their own. (We had french students come to speak to us today in french, can you tell I'm still not interested in french culture I should really quit)
I have a story about front of housing this show but I will save it for another post.
My job at the library is going decently, telling people what they can and can not do is going very well. I feel it is an area in which I truly excel.
I was walking around and there were a lot of people eating apples yesterday which is so frustrating because you can't save apples so they just throw them in the trash where they rot over night and attract fruit flies. I just wish people would accept that they need to eat other places. ANY OTHER BUILDING ON CAMPUS WILL ALLOW YOU TO EAT IN IT!! Also you can check books out and the library isn't even that comfy! So freaking ridiculous it makes me growl!
So I'm walking around yesterday and there are rooms you can book for you and your friends to talk openly and write on boards and stuff BUT NOT EAT IN! I see this room with 3 girls and this one guy and they have like chinese food take out dishes on the table. It was all eaten but I still have to tell them.
So I open the door and very politely say "we have a no eating policy in the library," all the girls of course apologize because tis what girls do. But this boy interrupts me "There's no food now so it's fine" and I just gave him my very best 'bitch please do not fuck with the black lady just doing her job' look. All the girls in the room were looking at this guy like she's going to kill you shut your mouth. And very curtly I say "well next time you'll know better and that you can't eat food in the library." and then I closed the door so I didn't have to deal. muahahahha!
Not as good as Tuesday though. I'm walking around and there's this guy eating up on the very top balcony floor area and people have the silly habit of just bringing it out as I'm walking by. Don't even wait to try and hide it. sad humans are sad. So there's this guy and he's eating so I do my little spiel and of course he was unhappy to be caught so he tried to be snappy.
He says "don't you ever get tired of nagging people?"
To which I laugh because it's one of my greatest skills. I tell this guy, "well I'm not going to get married and I"m not going to have kids so I might as well get it out somewhere." <---SASS! 
He put his food away and I didn't catch him again. I like to think that some people are just so impressed by me that they respect me. Or are so scared I will start shooting throwing stars out of my eyes that they keep it to themselves.
Anything else important?
I volunteered at this farm where they do a haunted house and I was a zombie with Priscilla, that was pretty cool. Though I have seriously injured my feet. I don't know if I pulled all the muscles in the top of them or what but so much pain going on down there.

Here's me as a zombie with Priscilla.

Tada c'est ma vie!
I'll post about meeting poopy lady tomorrow I am tired now.
C-Dawg!

Reasons to have a Slave

Yes readers, I, a black woman, am recommending that you get a slave.
Not a real slave mind you, for whipping when you get bored and what not but a slave like Alfred.
Don't worry, yes he knows I am writing this. He even had a good laugh because we often joke about how he is my slave and now I will tell you of some of his slave duties.

1. Your slave should be well practiced in the art of massage! I often have a sore back or my leg muscles won't feel like co-operating. Alfred is a seasoned outdoors man. He knows what it feels like to pull a hamstring, to not be able to bend down, to ache all over when you try to move. Thus he also knows remedies like hot baths, soothing jasmine bath salts, and the most glorious hands. Nimble like a potion masters! Everyone should wish to have such fantastic hands.
2. Alfred does my dishes! It's THE BEST! You have no idea just how much I hate dishes, I always cut myself on knives and stuff it sucks! but Alfred doesn't mind! Slaves for the win!
3. He'll fold your laundry and make your bed: I am the worst bed maker. I can never tuck the corners in right so that they won't undo while I'm sleeping. But not only does Alfred have some magic skill at bed making but when it's laundry day like today and you just throw all your clean laundry on the bed and tell yourself you'll fold it later. Alfred will fold it for you! Because OCD Slaves can't stand messes!! BRILLIANT!
4. They bring you pumpkin pie blizzards and pumpkin spice lattes in the fall! That's really what slaves are for. They're like delivery people you send from your home to get things you're too lazy to do and then they bring them back to you. And everyone knows how obsessed with pumpkin I am so it's a good thing he has no troubles riding a bike up hill with no hands! THE PERFECT SLAVE!
5. Slaves are basically mothers who don't say anything against you. For example, Alfred doesn't tell me I'm crazy when I cry about the Sound of Music for no reason. He just nods in agreement when I rant about "Over the Rainbow" He brings feel better foods when you ruin your boots and run out of nachos and don't say anything about how unhealthy they are and cancel out any weight loss from pole dancing.

Yes my friends I highly recommend you get a slave!
Tata for now <3