Lady Fails

Why hello!
Do you know what day it is?! It's Alan Rickman's birthday mothafucka! Yeah! So happy birthday to this attractive old man! (He's 67) No cares! I love him sooooo much!

So now that I've got those out of they way.

A little house cleaning before I actually start.

I said I would send you my birthday present pictures

My Gnome soap that I will probably keep nailed to my wall forever

My nipple, still nicely wrapped atop my cupcake pyramid...all of which have been eaten

And my british hat cheesecake!

Twas a good birthday!! <3 

Valentine's happened (a regular waste of a day if you ask me!) But we did slave for a day auctions. Yours truly was sold for 22$ Pretty freaking good if you ask me!!!

And even better Sergei bought me so that I could make him dinner and clean his dishes and then watch Poireaux and drink wine like the old british couple we are! And of all the things he could have chosen for me to make him...he chose quesidillas...Hella easy to put together but a nightmare to flip! 

But it was still delicious!

He was the proudest slave master I ever had! <3 

Alright! so now that that's out of the way.

It's reading break people! I hate reading break! It's literally a week of me going crazy because I hate my homework and all my friends are busy and the ones that aren't like aren't even my friends anymore so I have no reason to hang out with them! It is soooo annoying!

Which means I have countless hours to scroll tumblr instead of doing homework which means I'm bombarded by things like 

 THIS IS NOT OK PEOPLE! SHE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST! 

....sigh humanity.

But now the point of this post is my lady fails. So if you're squeamish about periods or hella anti-allthingswomanproblems leave.

Have you gone?

Good.

So the last 3 periods of mine I think i've just been really freaking lazy. I ignore all the signs that it's coming, I eat a bunch of nachos, I don't carry around feminine supplies just in case. The laziest lady you'll ever meet. 

Luckily for me last night I was like damn my ovaries hurt...that can only mean one thing! So I got home and ate the rest of my birthday cake which was kind of gross but totally worth it and pms Cec has no regrets! 

Then it actually clicked that I was actually on my period and should probably do something about that unless I wanted to build an arc to traverse a woman made red sea in my living room.

But to be honest. I was on top of this period. Last time I went for like 5 hours being like I don't even care! I hate being a woman! you can not hold me down body!! And just neglected all the things and went for work and walked around for 3 hours. Which was the most excruciating thing. 

My shins always get super achey and if I have to stand for long periods of time I need advil or something but not this time. I was just rebelling. 

Sigh.

If you're reading you're probably like what the heck is this woman doing with her life.

Nothing.

I'm literally doing nothing.

I read my opera pages. I looked at my english. I tried to care about my writing homework. Nothing. 

Leave me to die! I'm going to get the ice cream!

Reasons to have a Slave

Yes readers, I, a black woman, am recommending that you get a slave.
Not a real slave mind you, for whipping when you get bored and what not but a slave like Alfred.
Don't worry, yes he knows I am writing this. He even had a good laugh because we often joke about how he is my slave and now I will tell you of some of his slave duties.

1. Your slave should be well practiced in the art of massage! I often have a sore back or my leg muscles won't feel like co-operating. Alfred is a seasoned outdoors man. He knows what it feels like to pull a hamstring, to not be able to bend down, to ache all over when you try to move. Thus he also knows remedies like hot baths, soothing jasmine bath salts, and the most glorious hands. Nimble like a potion masters! Everyone should wish to have such fantastic hands.
2. Alfred does my dishes! It's THE BEST! You have no idea just how much I hate dishes, I always cut myself on knives and stuff it sucks! but Alfred doesn't mind! Slaves for the win!
3. He'll fold your laundry and make your bed: I am the worst bed maker. I can never tuck the corners in right so that they won't undo while I'm sleeping. But not only does Alfred have some magic skill at bed making but when it's laundry day like today and you just throw all your clean laundry on the bed and tell yourself you'll fold it later. Alfred will fold it for you! Because OCD Slaves can't stand messes!! BRILLIANT!
4. They bring you pumpkin pie blizzards and pumpkin spice lattes in the fall! That's really what slaves are for. They're like delivery people you send from your home to get things you're too lazy to do and then they bring them back to you. And everyone knows how obsessed with pumpkin I am so it's a good thing he has no troubles riding a bike up hill with no hands! THE PERFECT SLAVE!
5. Slaves are basically mothers who don't say anything against you. For example, Alfred doesn't tell me I'm crazy when I cry about the Sound of Music for no reason. He just nods in agreement when I rant about "Over the Rainbow" He brings feel better foods when you ruin your boots and run out of nachos and don't say anything about how unhealthy they are and cancel out any weight loss from pole dancing.

Yes my friends I highly recommend you get a slave!
Tata for now <3