Reasons to have a Slave

Yes readers, I, a black woman, am recommending that you get a slave.
Not a real slave mind you, for whipping when you get bored and what not but a slave like Alfred.
Don't worry, yes he knows I am writing this. He even had a good laugh because we often joke about how he is my slave and now I will tell you of some of his slave duties.

1. Your slave should be well practiced in the art of massage! I often have a sore back or my leg muscles won't feel like co-operating. Alfred is a seasoned outdoors man. He knows what it feels like to pull a hamstring, to not be able to bend down, to ache all over when you try to move. Thus he also knows remedies like hot baths, soothing jasmine bath salts, and the most glorious hands. Nimble like a potion masters! Everyone should wish to have such fantastic hands.
2. Alfred does my dishes! It's THE BEST! You have no idea just how much I hate dishes, I always cut myself on knives and stuff it sucks! but Alfred doesn't mind! Slaves for the win!
3. He'll fold your laundry and make your bed: I am the worst bed maker. I can never tuck the corners in right so that they won't undo while I'm sleeping. But not only does Alfred have some magic skill at bed making but when it's laundry day like today and you just throw all your clean laundry on the bed and tell yourself you'll fold it later. Alfred will fold it for you! Because OCD Slaves can't stand messes!! BRILLIANT!
4. They bring you pumpkin pie blizzards and pumpkin spice lattes in the fall! That's really what slaves are for. They're like delivery people you send from your home to get things you're too lazy to do and then they bring them back to you. And everyone knows how obsessed with pumpkin I am so it's a good thing he has no troubles riding a bike up hill with no hands! THE PERFECT SLAVE!
5. Slaves are basically mothers who don't say anything against you. For example, Alfred doesn't tell me I'm crazy when I cry about the Sound of Music for no reason. He just nods in agreement when I rant about "Over the Rainbow" He brings feel better foods when you ruin your boots and run out of nachos and don't say anything about how unhealthy they are and cancel out any weight loss from pole dancing.

Yes my friends I highly recommend you get a slave!
Tata for now <3