My Poetic Week with Zombies and Books

Ola oi oi readers!
It's been almost a week since my last post, what blasphemy. And Priscilla is just super peeved at me for not posting because apparently she's my number one fan.
So I'm going to make a post though I have no idea where to start because so much stuff has gone down in the past week! Let's give it a go!
I'm just going to start with today and work backwards, maybe make more than one post, see how we do.
Well readers I guess I should start with the tragic news that I am in fact dead and my ghost has returned from the dead to give you this post.
Yes in motherland Victoria, where the earthquakes aim to kill we had an earthquake drill today. Unfortunately I was too busy spewing out every last fact I know about musicals from the 1700's-1960 in my commercial theater midterm. So due to the size of the quake, the 40 year old Phoenix building has been leveled, taking an entire class of hopeful historians with it. (Lies I would never want to waste my life reviewing archives of 1890 productions.)
It's not that much of a loss really. It just means that I won't have to edit the terrible poem I handed in for writing this morning.
WHY DO POEMS EXIST!?! I really feel like someone way back when was just a really bad story teller so he strung together a few images with rhymes and was like voila my piece d'existance! and every one was like c'est qoui ca? Ce n'est pas un histoire!
and this guy who of course was pretentious as all hell because he's a poet AND FRENCH! was like no no it's a poem! It's like a story but better!
And all the french went hmmmmmm...oui! J'accept!
Because the french, though critical are all accepting of anything that is wholly french. And yeah poetry is probably a Greek thing in actuality but if the french are good at it they will claim it as their own. (We had french students come to speak to us today in french, can you tell I'm still not interested in french culture I should really quit)
I have a story about front of housing this show but I will save it for another post.
My job at the library is going decently, telling people what they can and can not do is going very well. I feel it is an area in which I truly excel.
I was walking around and there were a lot of people eating apples yesterday which is so frustrating because you can't save apples so they just throw them in the trash where they rot over night and attract fruit flies. I just wish people would accept that they need to eat other places. ANY OTHER BUILDING ON CAMPUS WILL ALLOW YOU TO EAT IN IT!! Also you can check books out and the library isn't even that comfy! So freaking ridiculous it makes me growl!
So I'm walking around yesterday and there are rooms you can book for you and your friends to talk openly and write on boards and stuff BUT NOT EAT IN! I see this room with 3 girls and this one guy and they have like chinese food take out dishes on the table. It was all eaten but I still have to tell them.
So I open the door and very politely say "we have a no eating policy in the library," all the girls of course apologize because tis what girls do. But this boy interrupts me "There's no food now so it's fine" and I just gave him my very best 'bitch please do not fuck with the black lady just doing her job' look. All the girls in the room were looking at this guy like she's going to kill you shut your mouth. And very curtly I say "well next time you'll know better and that you can't eat food in the library." and then I closed the door so I didn't have to deal. muahahahha!
Not as good as Tuesday though. I'm walking around and there's this guy eating up on the very top balcony floor area and people have the silly habit of just bringing it out as I'm walking by. Don't even wait to try and hide it. sad humans are sad. So there's this guy and he's eating so I do my little spiel and of course he was unhappy to be caught so he tried to be snappy.
He says "don't you ever get tired of nagging people?"
To which I laugh because it's one of my greatest skills. I tell this guy, "well I'm not going to get married and I"m not going to have kids so I might as well get it out somewhere." <---SASS! 
He put his food away and I didn't catch him again. I like to think that some people are just so impressed by me that they respect me. Or are so scared I will start shooting throwing stars out of my eyes that they keep it to themselves.
Anything else important?
I volunteered at this farm where they do a haunted house and I was a zombie with Priscilla, that was pretty cool. Though I have seriously injured my feet. I don't know if I pulled all the muscles in the top of them or what but so much pain going on down there.

Here's me as a zombie with Priscilla.

Tada c'est ma vie!
I'll post about meeting poopy lady tomorrow I am tired now.
C-Dawg!

Clark Kent is Super...RUDE!

Alright peeps so I've got a story for you about the rudeness in the youth of today. (And I think the fact that I'm takin the time to type it out on my iPod at Alfred's house just furthers the obviousness of how importance this all is. Also if you have an issue with my spelling mistakes take them else where. )
HERE WE GO!
So I'm once again working the alumni show at the Phoenix (working isn't really the correct term as its really for a class) but anyways I am front of house which means I deal with the theatre lobby and the patrons. It's a pretty goo and short show so it was really all easy no worries UNTIL THIS GIANT BAG OF SUCK WAS PLACED ON MY USHER SQUAD!
I have met this kid twice before, never had a problem, seemed decent but as my usher he is a jerk!
So one of the teachers calls him Clark Kent because he kinda looks like him( for those of you going what the heck. That's Superman's normal human name) but this kid does not deserve to be allied with he greatness that is Superman!
So we do an usher tour and on the tour around all the rules are laid it and we tell them what they're supposed to wear(black bottoms). And this kid in the tour asks why if we don't have black bottoms and I'm like "get a pair for 5 dollars at value village" he's like I'm poor. I laugh "I am 3 times more poor than you and I can buy a 5 dollar skirt you can buy pants." To be fair I also gave him the option of going to the costume people and begging for pants (pretty nice of me since wardrobe people hate ushers)
TUESDAY NIGHT: 1st preview show
This little rat shows up in grey dress pants and I'm just staring NO! GAPING at him like what the heck! And he has the audacity to say "you said dress pants"
BLACK! BLACK DRESS PANTS! So I send him to costume to get this fixed only to find out there is no wardrobe for this show.
Now this all really could have been avoided if the child, knowing he didn't have black pants, had just signed up for parking shifts where you can wear whatever you want! But no he signed up for all programs which is the shortest shift but is also the one where grey pants are most obvious! So we put him behind juice bar switch some people up.
I wish that had been the end but OH NO! So i set up with my dear friend, I once called her her real name I'm going to call her Pricilla here from now on though she might kill me. So I introduces them cause she works in costume shop so that he could get him some pants. We set it all up everything was good and he's like oh by the way I dot have that class I said I have tomorrow and Priscilla's like whatever just make sure you show up.....does he?
OF COURSE NOT!
So Wednesday:2nd preview night.
I forgot my phone at home when I went over to my fellow manager's house to prepare for the reception on Thursday.( we will call my partner Antonio, I was going to call him Steve but I knew he would take offence as we now have hundreds of jokes about this imagined guy named Steve)
So Antonio and I arrive at the theatre to set things up and get ready but Pricilla is there all like "hey gurl hey why no answer your phone when I text?" And hen she proceeds to explain to me about mr Kent who was too freaking good to show up at costume stock that morning at the allotted time and that the costume people are in an uproar over the whole thing and to send him over when he shows up in grey pants and I say "ok"
Kid shows up 5 minutes before his shift in BLACK PANTS! And I know he didn't get them from costume so I am just freaking livid! I'm all "where did ou get those?!"
He's "they're my suit pants"
I'm "why didn't you wear those yesterday?"
he says "because they're blue".
Honestly readers I could not tell these pants were blue. I would have to hold a flash light up to the fabric at the right angle or pull the threads out to tell that these freaking pants were blue! Try looked black! In the dim lobby lights they looked like black freaking pants! AND WHY when you have such dark blue pants would you wear GREY ONES!
So I'm just ready to lose it. But I don't guys and I think if you know me I deserve a round of applause for that one. I'll wait....*wild admiring applause*
So I say to this kid "why didn't you show up at costume?"
His completely unacceptable response:"I was sleeping!"
NO! So I start telling him why what he did was wrong and why he has to respect the costume hours and he just turns away and says "whatever stop giving me 'tude" and walks away....
I wanted to murder him, throw things, scream but I did not! I turned to Antonio and tell him to deal with this child I can not be near him. Anty's a pretty chill laid back guy and he's all no problem all over it! And this rude child totally respects him, does what he's told no problem! But is a total jerk to me! I don't even know!
So 8pm the show is supposed to start. We've got people buying last minute tickets and I'm suppose to cue the marketing kid for his speech. I'm making sure with the Parking ushers that no one is coming AND SUPERMAN HAS DECIDED IT'S TIME TO GO!
I lose it ( not in a violent way though more in a simmering volcanic explosion way). This kid is takin off his usher uniform in the lobby, patrons are still in the lobby! I go over and I'm like "what do you think you're doing?l
"It's 8pm I'm off shift"
So I lay it out for him. The fact that he's a first year, this is a mandatory thing he has to do to pass and while he's an usher he is under our command until we let him off for the night.
AND THIS BAG OF FLAMING FIERY DOUCH SAYS! "I have priorities outside of the Phoenix" he is not even looking at me he is being so rude, rolling his eyes.
I wil admit, my hand twitched. I wanted to beat him down so hard but I did not instead I turned
"ANTONIO!"
"Yes?"
"Deal with this kid!"
I go off to seat patrons and take care of getting he house closed leaving Antonio with jerk face
He takes one look t the situation says "put your vest back on"
DONE! Kid does it no complaints!!
We sorted everything else I counted everything Antonio dealt with the ushers and all was well...
Of course this kid couldn't leave without a snarky comment of how opinionated I am which yeah in real life I freaking am! But with him I'm just doing my job!
We also found out later that those outside priorities were frat related(yeah uvic has like one super lame frat) and I hope he was late and I hope they beat him up or punished him for it.
So, that's what I've been dealing with this week as well as super little sleek and a shit ton of baking for the reception last night that went really well.
Reasons for this child's douchiness as contributed by my fellow students include him being:
Racist
Sexist
Has mommy issues
Is a spoiled brat who was never spanked
Is just a boy (child please, this kid is 19)
He's of age in Canada so he has all the power now.


They go on but I think the top 4 are the most likely reasons.
Sigh whatever I don't have to see him for a week! And if he's still an ass then I'm probably just going to send him home with negative hours!
It should also be noted that all the other ushers are so nice and loving and do whatever I say that I have no problems with them.
Hooray!
Ttys bloggers

Thanksgiving with My Uncle T.O.M.

WARNING! If the topic of menstrual cycles makes you uneasy just run away from this post.
Anyways, Good Thanksgiving morning to you!
So I don't think I've ever had a Thanksgiving without my period and I don't think that's really fair! Yes body I'm talking to you!
It's like somehow it knows that I spend all year complaining about the unfairness of being a woman and all the shit we put up with from our bodies. So on the morning of Thanksgiving my body goes "SHE CAN'T DENY US THANKS TODAY!!!!"
And as much as I'd like to curse about it and rip my ovaries out, I don't. Mostly because that would hurt like hell fire. So fine! I am thankful that I am alive, I am thankful that I am a woman, and yeah I guess I'm thankful that my body is allowing me the possibility to wreak demonic children upon the world. You the world should be grateful that I'm choosing to ignore that possibility.
But you know I do hope that all you readers out there, chillen with your families are content on Thanksgiving. Personally the past 2 years of Thanksgiving @ UVic have been fantastic. Thanksgiving with my family usually involves stuffing ourselves into a tiny house with 4 families and all their kids who are all way older than me because my sister and I are the youngest in the family.
So I'm thankful that I have sweet friends who want to do Thanksgiving, even if Aurora didn't want to host she still enjoyed herself in the end. I now know that boys cooking will turn out to be some kind of vegetable or fruit covered in sugar (strange but still totally delicious). And I'm glad that I selected funny people to be my friends as well.
Of course, now Victoria is going to spiral downwards into a pit of doom! Apparently the buses are going on strike and as of 1pm today which is in basically an hour the drivers can do whatever the heck they want which includes not having to drive the bus if they don't feel like it. Which sucks! I have to get downtown for my dance class later and then Alfred promised me Chinese food! I'm sure he'd love to just ride his bike around but I would much prefer we take the bus. SIGH!
Here's hoping everything goes swimmingly and I don't fall from a swinging hoop tonight.
Peace and love!

When You Can't Dance, Eat Nachos

Good lord followers! Prepare to her my struggles!
So for the past 4 days blogger has refused me acess to posting on my blog which frankly is just rude. So I downloaded the blogger app which means I will have many more spelling mistakes and a general lack of caring because my iPod refuses to allow the sideways keyboard. There is not enough room on vertical keyboard for my thumbs to type.
Alas let us begin. So I told you last week o my pole dancing at bus stops and ripping my favourite boots. Well I did not stop using the bus stop for practice it's super awesome and my flats seem to be doing fine. But in the uvic theatre we have a student run union and they all put up like 8 shows every fall so I auditioned for this girl's dance piece even though I do not dance and there are no poles in the room! I put that ballet class to use. And I got a call back today so I guess I don't suck terribly.
Sadly I had to miss pole on Thursday cause of this box office shift in which I learned nothing! TRAGIC I could have danced instead!
So Friday I went to this flexibility class called splits...I am no where near the ability to do splits...but the teacher told me to come for the dirty dancing class before hoop and it was awesome! Jolly good times. Then I did this hoop class. Now if in your childhood you ever did monkeybars or that thing where you'd hang off a bar and brim your feet through and hang upside down. That's basically what this is. Naturally I can not pull myself up(side effect of being a fat kid) but I'll get it one day. I'm supposed to practice...but it's thanksgiving! Forget that!
Eat tons readers!
Love ya

Reasons to have a Slave

Yes readers, I, a black woman, am recommending that you get a slave.
Not a real slave mind you, for whipping when you get bored and what not but a slave like Alfred.
Don't worry, yes he knows I am writing this. He even had a good laugh because we often joke about how he is my slave and now I will tell you of some of his slave duties.

1. Your slave should be well practiced in the art of massage! I often have a sore back or my leg muscles won't feel like co-operating. Alfred is a seasoned outdoors man. He knows what it feels like to pull a hamstring, to not be able to bend down, to ache all over when you try to move. Thus he also knows remedies like hot baths, soothing jasmine bath salts, and the most glorious hands. Nimble like a potion masters! Everyone should wish to have such fantastic hands.
2. Alfred does my dishes! It's THE BEST! You have no idea just how much I hate dishes, I always cut myself on knives and stuff it sucks! but Alfred doesn't mind! Slaves for the win!
3. He'll fold your laundry and make your bed: I am the worst bed maker. I can never tuck the corners in right so that they won't undo while I'm sleeping. But not only does Alfred have some magic skill at bed making but when it's laundry day like today and you just throw all your clean laundry on the bed and tell yourself you'll fold it later. Alfred will fold it for you! Because OCD Slaves can't stand messes!! BRILLIANT!
4. They bring you pumpkin pie blizzards and pumpkin spice lattes in the fall! That's really what slaves are for. They're like delivery people you send from your home to get things you're too lazy to do and then they bring them back to you. And everyone knows how obsessed with pumpkin I am so it's a good thing he has no troubles riding a bike up hill with no hands! THE PERFECT SLAVE!
5. Slaves are basically mothers who don't say anything against you. For example, Alfred doesn't tell me I'm crazy when I cry about the Sound of Music for no reason. He just nods in agreement when I rant about "Over the Rainbow" He brings feel better foods when you ruin your boots and run out of nachos and don't say anything about how unhealthy they are and cancel out any weight loss from pole dancing.

Yes my friends I highly recommend you get a slave!
Tata for now <3

The Girl who Cried Wolf's Bane of My Existance

Oh followers,
What to do when you feel like the whole world is crashing down around you?
I believe the feeling started yesterday when I once again attempted to use the bus stop as a pole for pole dancing practice. It works quite well actually, your hands don't slip and being on the downward slope of the Foul Bay hill makes momentum really easy. The problem you ask? Cement sidewalks.
So I held the pole and I spun landing on the balls of my Urban Planet cowboy boots, pivoted and span again. But when I landed something was different. I looked down at the soles of my boots and it would appear that the concrete had ripped through them to the lining. Thus beginning my turmoil.
Sure I tried to stuff the void in my soul with some replacement flats, leg warmers and colourful fishnet tights but it was still there I could still feel the wind howling through the tear.
So I hung out with my friends, always good times. We watched Treasure Planet, Aurora made nutella filled croissants. There was absolutely nothing to be sad about but then I got to the bus stop and there was a man sitting there also waiting. Which means I could not sing obnoxiously to myself! The impertinence of it all!!
So I waited in silence, bussed to UVic in silence, waited again in silence because there was this very intimate couple displaying their affection and though I thought about going over and telling them that I was going to just stand a few feet away from them and belt Adele I did not think they would handle it well. And then this drunk guy stood in the middle of the bus loop screaming "Cotton eye Joe!" Who does that!?
So I bussed home in silence, and walked to my house in silence and I thought to myself of all the homework that must be done and I went to bed. It was only just past midnight.
I awoke this morning and I thought that perhaps life would be better...BUT I WAS WRONG!!
I commenced my laundry, there was much of it to do and as I waited for the loads I wrote my opera history summary. (I still could careless about poor put upon himself Mozart.)
Around 1pm I realized my hands were shaking, this often happens when you've only had coffee and vitamins for breakfast so I decided to have some lunch which is when it happened!
I AM OUT OF TACO CHIPS!
WHAT CRUEL WORLD WOULD DENY A STUDENT FROM THEIR NACHOS! I felt like Don Giovanni being pulled into the pits of hell by a marble statue.
I attempted to watch The Sound of Music but it ended in tears.
I attempted to watch the Lizzie Bennet Diaries but then Jane started crying and I cried harder
So I figured if I was going to cry I might as well cry over The Marriage Stone BUT FANFICTION.NET WOULD NOT LOAD!
It appeared life had turned against me. I was doomed to the fate of a grade 8 girl writing poetry about her broken bleeding heart, wishing an Edward would rip open my iron womb to produce a demon child and turn my hair curly!
Then of course I remembered how much I hate Twilight and my laundry was calling. Alfred promised to bring me a pumpkin pie blizzard to soothe pain and there will always be other pairs of cowboy boots in the spring.
Maybe I'll make it to tomorrow.
Maybe.

Coffee Can Not Save You

Ola friends,
So this morning I was greeted by this image on my tumblr dash,

And I think I'm being lied to. Now you may not know me but I have one of the worst memories! I'm that person who will be pulling stuff out of my purse and throwing it around the room searching for my bus pass and I'll have forgotten that it's sitting in my bra or worse clutched in my teeth. I have long ago accepted that alzheimer's is an inevitable fate of mine. Which sucks because I really like writing and there is nothing more frustrating than when you have a fantastic idea or an awesome line you want to use in a story and when you finally get to the part where it fits in you can't remember it. No matter how hard I try I ALWAYS forget awesome things, or where I'm supposed to be, or what I have to do that day and what I should wear so my feet don't have to suffer.

First year for example I had scene shop hours but I was all focused on being cute and I wore open toed high heels which is a huge no no in the shop. So I had to go into costume and get a pair  of shoes (they were super nice pumas) and some grungy old socks from the costume teacher who has never liked me. Of course she gave me an ear full for being irresponsible. Rude.

Anyways, I don't even know what a heart disease is anymore all I know is that I'm probably going to die of a heart attack before or at the age of 30 so there's really no worry. Coffee will not be saving my life.

And even if I do die sooner rather than later I can still live in complete content knowing I took pole dance lessons before and I'm still super awesome!

Anyways, I have to go to school and count out all the concession inventory...sadly it's also the 50th anniversary of UVic and there's supposed to be all these tours in the theatre but my friend is the only person who volunteered because no one cares and she was basically forced into it. Which means I have to hide from the marketing teacher while we're there because she's going to be impossible and try to force us into working. Fat chance lady! I want free things!!