And So It Begins....Again...

Well more deserving things have happened in the last 24 hours to be posted about but I'm going to write about this because it's fresh in my mind and annoying as hell all over again.
We'll find out the out come of other things soon and we'll go from there...
But tonight...
The first family get together of the Christmas Season....
My aunt's birthday which is apparently a tradition to order a ridiculous amount of chinese food and talk about 100 different subjects in 3 different groups at the same time...
It's noisy, it's weird, everyone feels bloated and grandma never listens when she's told not to order dinner for 30 people as we only get 15 out on a good day!
my grandparents had 5 children, 4 have spouses, all together they have 11 grandchildren, 2 are married, 4 maybe 5 (I never know about one of my cousins I don't even know where he is most of the time) have significant others, 1 great-grand child...a baby that can't eat chinese food.
WERE we to add all these people up not including the baby (you don't count until you make it to a year old) that would be a possible 28 or 29 (depending on the variable cousin) people to feed....almost 30 but that many people NEVER comes!
my one uncle and aunt live in Kamloops they're not coming down for every birth, birthday and funeral. We don't know where their son is most of the time. Their daughter makes it to about every other event...I guess this was an other.
My one cousin just got married over the summer and apparently that gives him an excused card from everything!
My sister can't be bothered to come to anything and she claims to be a vegetarian so she can't eat chinese food...though we all know she does when we're not looking...
My father doesn't come unless it's a big event or it's someone he actually likes being celebrated
And I usually have the safe excuse of being in Victoria.....oh but not today....
Today, and I think we can guess where this is going as per usual with family gatherings and what not what my posts generally end up being about....one of those cousins with a significant other took a place in the rarely used category of ENGAGED COUSINS!

Nooooo don't cheer shhh shh stop that clapping it's not good!

Now this cousin....he's  very strange... probably the strangest of the bunch and they're all a little bit weird
(maybe I should mention that this is all the white side of my family. I expect weird and unsettling from the blackside...they're all Caribbean and there's about 1000 of them.
No this cousin is strange...and the girl he's somehow persuaded to marry him seems to be completely normal. Insanely rich! but other than that....normal...
Why is she marrying my weird cousin you ask?
Lord I don't know. She must not be as normal as I think....or what is more likely she's surrounded by the mantra...

Yes she's falling for it! she's sad and lonely and she's settling which is crazy I mean she's rich and has a beautiful house and a hilarious 90 something year old grandmother whom for some reason everyone feels the need to yell at when they're communicating but the woman held a conversation with me across the living room and neither of us were shouting!
She's got hearing aids let her be!

Anyways so the announcement was made and of course all the old people cheered and clapped and bustled around to get champagne glasses and sparkling juice (because my family's classy like that...no one's ever been too drunk to function at a function) All the married people made jokes and started planning the dresses and flowers and ridiculous stuff.

But if you watched closely. You could see the shifty, who's next eyes.
The cousin just recently separated avoided everyone,
The two destined spinsters prepared to live vicariously through the fiances
The only not wed couple looked anywhere but at each other and settled for washing dishes and passing juice.
One aunt asked where IS your sister and her boyfriend, he's always so nice to have at these events?
"She's at work I think"
"Oh that's too bad. Well what about you? Have you found a boy in Victoria yet?"

TARGET HIT!

Yes, once again, I become the distraction from all the more likely bachelors and bachelorettes in the room. I mean they're not even that old yet! they have plenty of time to settle down! but my sister and I are the last strands of the generation, tie us up and off with someone and we can move onto worrying about the new generation and things like baby clothes and knitted booties and none sense!

I'm sitting here trying not to explode from the incredible amounts of chinese food I've just ingested. I don't need heart burn for my failures in the eyes of tradition as well!
Hell if it's such a problem just set me up in a marriage that I don't have to actually be available for. We can reconvene at family events!
How about that!!

....my life...why doesn't it make sense...
I willl now crawl into bed, fight with my sheets for a while because they're really a nuisance...and hope the snow falling outside doesn't stick...
goodnight.

Monitor Your PDA

Sooooo, I've said this a few times.....but there are days where I honestly feel like people are trying to kill me with their relationships.
For prior beliefs on crazies in relationships see:
Mamas Guide To Wooing 
Get Me to a Nunnery
Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend Yet
The Burden of Being Single

And like lord knows how many others on encountering my stupid and engaged ex who runs away from me but I feel like this is a slightly newer version of this topic.

If you are going to be in a relationship and you and your partner plan to be in public situations, especially around people you know and like
PLEASE GET ALL YOU FACE SUCKING NEEDS OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE YOU EXIT INTO THE REAL WORLD!!!!

Like it's just so gross.
Not to mention awkward
When you're all chillen before class or at a bus stop and these two people have somehow melted into one blob of slurping sounds and little I love yous no I love yous!
Like, STOP!
We're not interested?
If I wanted to watch that kind of mush I'd visit a high school.

Of course if you don't want to have a conversation with your friends then don't insert yourself, especially into the middle, of a group or conversation. Now there's this circle of awkwardness around you trying to be like omg should i look, i was going to ask her about the history homework but i guess I can wait, oh god please don't get on the bus with us!
Also, there's no where in the immediate victoria area that the buses from uvic won't get you in half an hour.... I'm sure you can wait half an hour. If you've really been apart that long all day that you can't not suck face then like go hide behind a tree for a bit and suck face til your bus comes, we'll call you and let you know that it's there but please SAVE US THE AWKWARDNESS!
Likewise if we wanted to suck face with either of you we probably would have beat your significant other to asking you out or else would walk away in this instant.
It's just these little moments of ignorance that tear people apart.
And suddenly you wake up one day and that significant other is gone and all your friends have gotten new phones and you don't have the number because they dread having to spent time with two goldfish that are stuck together at the lips.
Then what will you do
Where as if you had just been polite this wouldn't be a problem.
SAVE THE FRIENDSHIPS!

Engaged or Married

Soo I had a really depressing realization the other day
Everyone that I've ever dated is either engaged or married...
and I'm just over here twiddling my thumbs apparently.
Now if you want to be reasonable you could go "But come now Cecilly most of them are 3-5 years older than you. That puts them at 26 years old! That's a perfectly good time to start thinking about settling down"
....Well that didn't sound any more reasonable when I typed it out.
Married at 28, sure
26?
What is wrong with you! You just left 25! You're hardly an adult let alone ready to take on adult things like marriage!!
Even worse, a lot of them were married soon after they started going to university or graduated...2 of them married french girls though one was Parisian and the other from Montreal...weird
(this post is just becoming a realizations post)
3 Of them are getting married to the girl they dated right after me...
You might remember I told you all about my stupid ex from like grade 10/11 who continuously runs away from me (read about it in Encountering Exes) Well he still runs away from me which is ridiculous in itself
But apparently him and his girlfriend recently got engaged in September which everyone else had to tell me of course because we're not facebook friends...for obvious reasons like I tried to send his soul to hell with premarital sex (he's crazy catholic and maybe I should be grateful I didn't succeed)
I find it's even more awkward when he tries to run away with his fiance in tow!
Well more comical
Because she obviously has no idea what's going on.
Like what the hell am I going to do?
Summon a demon to destroy you? (would if I could ;))

But even more recently than that on the engagement calendar!
Remember Alfred!! The most perfect thing in my life last year? The reason my dishes never get done anymore!
Well if you recall in January, he went off with this girl Katleen (not like Kaitlyn. Literally Kat- Leen the fuck)
And I stood by going yes totally reasonable. She's much better suited for you!
Well I've heard it from a mutual source that he planned to propose to her Thanksgiving Monday! On the drive home near Duncan! Like flabbergasted am I!!
Do I think they're well suited?
Yes
But like...REALLY!?
No confirmation yet on whether or not that actually happened but it's pretty believable knowing Alfred...
So that's where I stand...
Over here.
Alone!

The only ex who's relationship status I don't know I think is either dead. Or probably has like 4 kids by now because he's that kind of white trash...or probably no children and alone because he's done too many drugs and now he's impotent....Who can really say?
No regrets there at least.

But of course if I stopped wollowing for a minute I would remember all the reasons I am alone, want to be alone,  choose to be alone and think damn girl, you're lucky...
But it's still depressing
I feel like that Dane Cook movie with Jessica Alba I think it is and every woman he sleeps with even that really gross really fat one gets married and all he wants is Jessica Alba but he doesn't want her to marry someone else....
Well maybe it's best they all marry someone else...
And I can continue my never ending quest to be a call girl!
AHAHA!
Peace out Blogpeeps

Mama's Guide to Wooing

Hey hey,
So you may have been looking at my blog thinking "where did this girl go? She musta died or something"
Nope not dead, Bambi just told me once upon a time that if you haven't got anything nice to say you better not say anything...so I didn't.
And I was all for writing a post about how I'm moving up in the pole world and I can do a full combo or I'm sick and sniffly and I don't know how to handle it or about how silly Alfred is that he biked up to Tofino for reading break and ripped his back open on a cliff OR HELL how I made a grill cheese last night but burnt one side! All these would have been perfectly, non-offensive but noooo.
Aurora sent me a message this morning and I feel like somethings in the land of dating should be straightened out. I know you're all sitting there thinking "But Cecilly, you don't believe in dating!" You would be right, I don't. I think it's stupid and a waste of time but that doesn't mean I haven't dated and maybe I'm a prude but I've still got a few opinions on how it should go. Take it or leave it but I'mma judge you if you don't.
Step 1: Falling in Love
All that none sense about love at first sight is just that, none sense. I have never met anyone that has fallen instantly unless they are forcing themselves to do so. (How do you force yourself to fall in love?) Easy, you are sooooo sad and desperate that every room you walk into with a man you start evaluating whether or not you could be together, will your children be ugly, does he look like he'll buy you things? Ridiculous factors that you've been led to believe is the key to happiness. Hell looks don't even come into the equation most times though if your like me 'would I want to see his face 24/7?' is usually a quick way to eliminate people from the pool.
Anyways so you're planning on falling in love. First look at your group of friends. Do any of them appeal to you? If yes, are there any major things about them that you can't stand? Yes? Probably shouldn't date them you'll just end up fighting about it later. If No well then give it ago they might not be interested. If No to the first, mosey on over to a dating website, look at your co-workers, people in your classes or be one of those people who some how find their love at a party (I'm usually having too much fun to care)
Step 2: Getting To Know You
If you actually intend on being in a relationship you might want to get to know him first. Unless you were the person who answered yes to the group of friends then you probably already know each other. Hanging out and going on a date are very different. On dates you're trying to impress each other. If you can hang out with any significant awkwardness or problems then you may very well be able to spend time with each other for the rest of your lives. Which also means hanging out involves TALKING! Relationships involve communication and it should go past "How are you?" "Fine, you?" "Good!" *SNOG* no that's not how it goes you hormonal prepubescents! I expect to be able to hold at least a 30 minute conversation about something more meaningful than the awful Victoria weather without physical contact for this to even be feasible. Which brings me to possibly the most important step!
Step 3: Test Him Out in a Group
Now I don't just mean any group. Like you can't go to the aquarium and see how he handles small children running around. I mean a group where he will be forced to interact, a group like your friends. Hell it SHOULD be your friends! Everyone acts differently in a group as opposed to one on one, some desire to belong I think.
But I do not understand people who don't take friend advice into account. They are called friends for a reason, you should be able to trust them unless your life is like Gossip Girl or Popular. And if your friends don't like him there's probably a reason. And if you don't like that reason you had better have strong justification to sway their opinion of him or else he's going to have to start working super hard to impress them.
Maybe you disagree, "the opinions of my friends shouldn't stop me from loving who I love!" ...Fine...think that way if you want but I'll tell you what's going to happen. You'll become the friend that nobody likes. They won't want to see you because seeing you means seeing him and they don't like him. Or they'll be super standoffish and rude when he's around. And then you'll get upset and cry "I don't understand why none of my friends like him." Well girl they already told you but you chose not to listen. And then you'll spend all your time with him and slowly lose contact with all your friends and then one day he'll be like "I don't know if this is working" so you'll poke holes in his condoms so you get pregnant and then he'll have to stay and marry you (If he's a good man) or he could leave you and your child to suffer and maybe pay child support now and then.
Your Choice.
Step 4: Start Dating:
Now see I've basically addressed this whole post to girls so far, it can go either way take it how you want.
So you've decided this guy isn't totally weird, he's kind of interesting, he's not public enemy number one among your friends. Date him!
Now unless your whole plan in the first place was to strip him down and have your way with him you're actually going to go on some dates. (and if your plan was just to sleep with him you are a crazy closet slut and I'm telling you now you don't need a boyfriend to find someone who will have sex with you. There are tons of desperate people just like you milling around in lust.)
Going on dates include: Having dinner, going to a movie, watching live music, bowling, going for a walk, having coffee, basically any ridiculous classy thing you've seen in a cheesy chick flick. It usually involves spending money but hey you can learn a lot about your significant other by how they spend money.
Of course your date could be cooler and come up with something more original like a picnic, amusement parks, a treasure hunt, one of those scooter tours, whale watching. I don't  know what people do when they want original dates. A guy took me hiking once, I was not impressed, I was not aware we were going hiking, I got sweaty and blisters...we don't talk anymore.
And you know once you get the huge spectacle of dating out of the way you can settle into normal coupley things like movie and popcorn at home, video games (if you're into that), nice at home dinner or order in.
Any sort of date like activity that ends with the audience going awww so cute.
And then you go home.
Cue Mama Prude.
Step 5: Pulling on the Naughty Boots
Some may call me a prude for my standards of when to have sex in the relationship but like I said Miss Closety Slut, you don't need a boyfriend to get a man in your bed. The fact that you would go through all that work just to have sex on a first date reinforces me thinking your crazy. ANYHOOOO!
Personally if being in a relationship is important to you and you've been putting time and money into this I think you can wait a month. It's really not that long a time especially if you have other stuff to do like work/homework/dishes. I really don't think you should even see each other everyday, just leads to dependency. And yes in that month I also mean you can't have sleep overs where you just sleep together but don't have sex. That's not fair to anyone, that's just teasing them only there's no goodness and you get to see how ugly they are in the morning.
Of course I know some of you would disagree "But I've been working on getting him for so long, now he's mine and I wanna jump him." (I think you all should know that I type these whiners in a high pitched annoying voice) Well then fine, have a reward wait 1-2 weeks if you're really that desperate to play with your new pogo. And if you're still going to argue with me you're ridiculous, there are people who date much longer than you and don't have sex until marriage. So I'll just be turning a deaf ear to your pitiful complaints.
Step 6: Live as Happily as You Can While Being Considerate
So you're in love. Congrats. I hope you've chosen wisely. But you know, just because you're floating around with pink glasses on in orgasmic bliss does not mean you can stop following the Human Decency Guidelines...ok so maybe they're not an actual set of guide lines but here are my basics for relationships.

1. Keep your Public Displays of Attention in check! I don't want to be having a conversation and get interrupted by wandering hands. Keep your hysterical horny sounds at a low volume so they won't distract me when I'm studying or trying to eat. And I have no interest in watching porn in public (or ever really but that's just because I think it's a very strange and sad career)
2. Accommodate the feelings of others. Do you have a roommate? Have you asked them if it's ok for your boytoy to come over? What if they wanted to watch T.V in the living room or have a lot of homework? At least take it to your room if you're just going to drop in an announced but hell you should be giving them a chance to run if he's coming over. How about a warning that they might not want to walk around in their underwear because your man is staying the night! Common courtesy  don't forget it.
3. Broadcast your relationship on social media. If you're not utterly disgusting and gushy about it people won't really care but what is the point in being in a relationship if it's secret!? People are going to find out anyways if you're not being discrete. People are going to judge you for not telling them, wouldn't you rather be on top of the gossip? (Normal people say yes to that question. If you said no it probably doesn't bode well)

So there you go!

Mama's Guide To Wooing by moi! (Can't not make a blog about falling in love without Fergie!)

You should listen to my sound words but if you don't it's not really my problem because I do think relationships are a time waster for lonely people.

Peace out ready people,we'll see if I can bring myself to be nicer next time. <3

Confessions of a Fan Fiction Addict

Hi my name is Cecilly and I am addicted to fanfiction.
It all started a little over a year ago when my friend introduced me to Severus/Hermione fanfiction from Harry Potter. I quickly became obsessed....mostly because I love Snape and Alan Rickman so much. I vowed to myself that it would never go beyond that....but it has. I am ashamed to admit that I have begun to read and support the Snarry ship! (Snape/Harry)
I know! It's so wrong of me! Snape loved his mother, he has his mother's eyes! (not that I support Lily in anyway, I think she was a terrible human being and an even worse friend...but I'm not going to get into an argument with the Jily, Snily shippers of the world)
At first I didn't understand, how could they be together with this prior connection and I couldn't get behind the smut. (I'm not homophobic I just can't fit my mind into the equations of gay sex) but then I found the Marriage Stone! And for those of you who know it are sitting at their computers raising their eyes and crying out for the whereabouts of Josephine Darcy who disappeared years ago in the middle of the most perfect, epic Snarry fic ever written! And we know she had every intention of continuing. She says in the last chapter (chapter 77) that she'll update very soon that she is free from whatever relative visiting function she had been pulled away by....and then nothing....OH THE PAIN AND CRUELTY!!!
Clearly I should have started my expectations much lower because nothing meets its standards....I don't even really read Snarry because there's just nothing very good out there. I want romance and wooing! Which is why I stick to Snamoine but fanfiction has ruined my life.
I see it everywhere! I SHIP REGULAR EVERY DAY PEOPLE! I DREAM OF BUILDING A FLEET OF COUPLES AND SETTING THEM A SAIL ON THE HIGH HOLY WATERS! This summer I finally cried at Boromir's death in Lord of the Rings because I learnt to ship everyone in the fellowship!
I AM RUINED!! So ruined!!
And even though I think real life sucks and people suck and relationships are a waste of time...I'm contemplating going on a date?
What is wrong with me?
Am I doing it just because people don't think I could? NEWS FLASH! I'm a freaking awesome girlfriend. I can do everything!
We're gonna do all the things all the couples like to do.
We're gonna go to a movie, we're gonna have some dinner, take a walk, look at the moonlight, Anything you want (but baby I got a question...)
No I don't that's just Danko Jones creeping into my head. Remember that song? CLASSIC!

Anyways! For what good reason would I have to have a boyfriend! I already have Alfred! ...He'd probably be super mad at me for writing about this and not telling him... besides he's riding with his friends to Tofino, crazy person....sometimes I need better friends? Yeah the ones I have are pretty good for specific occasions but they're not very good with feed back...
Maybe I just need to sing about it...or crawl up in a ball and cry about it...or watch Pride and Prejudice again....or insult people! That usually makes me feel better.
I was just thinking today about how we need a really good plague to come along and wipe out some of the stupid people! I have a pretty sweet immune system so I think I could hold out until they've found a cure...or it just goes away...but I'm worried that 21st century plagues are just rage viruses and I am NOT dealing with freaking zombies! Yup watch Joss Whedon being awesome and clarifying why I was so afraid of Romney winning president.

Whatever the Obama's are awesome.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. So a summary of what has been discussed here today:

1. Yes I think I should have the right to evaluate each human's intelligence and determine if they should have the privilege of living in a 1st, 2nd or 3rd world country with the stupidest humans earning a special category of "On the Moon far away from me and the rest of society so they can't infect us with their stupidity"
2. Yes I'm glad that Obama won and that Michelle can continue to be a good role model to ladies, but especially the black ones, so that they no longer have to look to Oprah and her soul OWNing tv shows for guidance.
3. Yes I think relationships are a stupid waste of time but
4. No I have not decided whether or not I should go on a date from this post...computer screens don't give very good feed back...maybe a combo of ask.com and tumblr will help me sort through this dilemma.
5. Yes fan fiction is a thing if you didn't know that already, most of your friends are probably closet readers, some may even read 50 Shades of Grey which is Twilight fanfiction that renamed the characters and became mommy porn. Though I only limit myself to Harry Potter pairings someone one day might write something almost as deserving as my HP love and I will concede to ship them as well. 
6. No I am not at all adverse to becoming a old lady with nothing but my fanfiction to keep me alive. At least it's not cats, I will save money on cat food and won't die of a hair ball that slowly develops in my esophagus over years because my cats shed so much. (SO THERE YOU CRAZY OLD CAT LADIES GET A REAL OBSESSION!)

Alright 6 is too many numbers. I'm stopping. I'm going to bed. I think this is all part of the regular mid-November reading break crisis that overwhelms me every year...not aided by the fact that I have to see the fine arts counselor tomorrow who will most likely tell me I'm no where near graduation and I suck at life...

JOYS!

So I'll just spiral back down into the pit of despair and fan fiction which is an excellent absorber of pathetic spirits and self doubts.

Oh well!

Good night world

Ex-Factors

You know world, I did a really good thing today. Like a really really good thing, I saved someone a whole lot of trouble....though they may not have been of deserving intelligence so why do cruel reminders pop up when you're feeling good about yourself?
Let me explain the events of my day:
Today I had to attend the safety talk for the Fall Mainstage that started around 11:30 (funny enough there was a fire alarm in the middle of the tech run that followed) which meant that I had to get up a whole hour earlier than I was planning to for a run that wasn't supposed to start til 1pm. And really my only purpose was to explain timed note taking to the girls that will be front of house managing this show because I'm their mentor (WOE IS ME!)
Anyways so I left my house, worried that I would miss my bus (Turns out the schedule was wrong and there is no bus at that time anyways) when there I see in the running gutter water a wallet.....with hundreds of cards in it....And I think to myself: Cecilly, you are a good person. You should return this girl's wallet! Imagine how worried she must be! She'll have to call all of those cards to cancel them! It's only 11 if you're lucky she's still super drunk and passed out and hasn't done that yet!
So I was a good person, I took the wallet with me to school so I could contact her...only her phone number was not in the wallet...personally I think you should always have your phone number in your wallet! I google the address on her drivers license...it's over in Gorge that's almost an hour long bus ride from my house! I don't have time for that! So me and the 2 other girls I'm mentoring begin calling the customer service numbers on the back of all these cards. Of course it's a weekend so many of them were closed...way to go customer service...
I know you're sitting at home reading this and thinking god Cecilly it's 2012 just facebook that girl! WELL I TRIED!!! But she had the most plain jane name! There were hundreds of her, many didn't look like her, most were from the other side of the world!
I finally got in touch with her credit card people and told them what happened to which they said: "Oh thank you for telling us we'll be sure to contact her have a nice day" and hung up.....excuse me lady...but you didn't take my number...how is she going to be able to find the person that has her stuff without that info...I may have just gotten her credit card canceled....OH WELL! DON'T LOOSE YOUR STUFF!!!
Basically it came down to calling the La Senza at the Bay Center (A mall downtown) because customer service is closed, begging the nice girl for her membership phone number, breaking the privacy policy at La Senza and getting her number....BUT OF COURSE SHE WOULD NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!!
Ridiculous, you would think, no matter how drunk you were last night, that you would have your phone on when you've lost your wallet.....I called her about 6 times. Finally she turned her phone on and answered!
The problem? She didn't know where she was....how do you not know where you are? According to your drivers license you have lived in Victoria for at least 3 years and you don't know where you currently are? AND THEN SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE UVIC WAS!? WHAT?! ridiculous. More ridiculous is that where she was is still a 15 minute drive by car from my house and where her wallet was...How did your wallet end up outside my house! W
Whatever, I gave the crazy child directions and left it with the box office and then went out in the rain because of this fire drill....
I kid you not the world wants me to die!
So then! I'm feeling pretty good about my good deeds and what not. Girl got her wallet back and all her gift cards. Didn't have to cancel anything. I have work in an hour so I figure THAI FOOD! The only worthy treat! I even got to go with Gumpette who I almost never see anymore! It was going to be totally awesome!
But no, who would be outside of Fairway? Why none other than my least favorite human. You know he really brings it on himself. I wanted to be normal and friendly but no! Several times he has seen me and I KNOW he has and he has run away! That's PATHETIC! So I see him, he sees me avoids my eyes and runs into Fairway with his girlfriend (I assume it's his girlfriend) even though I was mid-wave. Whatever I didn't want to be nice anyways.
So I order my thai food and we're walking to cobs because Gumpette has it in for tasty bread and there he coming around the corner with what I can only assume are his 7 other roommates. (How awful would that be to have 7 roommates!)
He TRIES TO LOOK AWAY BUT I'M LIKE HELL NO!
So I very politely say Hi Matt. And yes I'm using his real name because he really doesn't deserve the decency to have his identity hidden. I can see him thinking about ignoring it but he says Hi...and runs away with his army of music kids.
I'm just freaking livid! but also Why do I care! Gumpette even said you can do so much better and I have. I had done better before I even dated him!
Even the drug dealer with the dog collar and chain in gr. 8 was better looking and a better boyfriend than him!
So I guess you're wondering why I settled for the bottom of the barrel.
Low self-esteem! And never again will I find myself in such a state of self loathing and misery and loneliness! Going into grade 10 everything was wrong and worthless but along comes this gaped toothed bag of douche who likes to sing (though his voice makes my ears cringe) and tells me I'm beautiful? Of course I fell.
Even when I found out what terrible humans he and his family are, even when he told me there was no point in staying together if we weren't getting married, even when he called me stupid and got me the most inconsiderate/insulting/insincere gifts or else told me that someone who realized how shitty his gifts were made him get something a little more heart felt I didn't leave him.
Why?
Fear probably. I remember when he told me he never wanted to leave Maple Ridge and that we might as well break up if marriage wasn't the result of our dating. Part of me was so mad and disgusted that this was the ultimatum but we didn't break up. I stayed with this jerk for a year, trying to convince myself that maybe one day I could marry him because what if no one else wanted me. Such bullshit. Of course I had my own faults in the relationship but I like to believe they were my passive aggressive attempts at payback for how low he made me feel.
Then one day he made the mistake of telling me that I was only one of 2 girls he had considered dating before he settled on me. The other was my very close friend, way out of his league, light years above me in looks but of course he realized she would never choose him when she had dozens of better looking boys throwing themselves at her feet. So he settled for me.
I think being told you're second best by someone you trust and think you love is about the worst feeling you can experience.
Today after watching the Good Person of Setzuan I was mad that Shen Te always goes back for Yang Sun even though when she's disguised as a man she can see clearly that he doesn't love her. My friend asked me had I ever been in love. I would like to think so but I guess that answer means no. But even if I haven't been in love I've experienced something like what Shen Te must have felt. Knowing one thing but ignoring it for another.
Yeah I would like to throw things at Matt. I won't but I'd like to, I might swear at him next time I see him alone.
The point of all this is that even though I'm really awesome now I wasn't always and I've learned a lot over the years that you can't let other people get to you. But you can let them pump you up! Which is why Alfred is over to kiss my feet and remind me why I deserve to rule the world. He's also agreed to watch Pride and Prejudice (though I think he's making fun of Kiara Knightly inside his head).
Whatever!
Stay strong readers!
You might get lucky and become stellar like me! <3

ps: if you're currently with an asshole and you think you're in love and that's making you irrational give me a call. I'll come straighten out his attitude!